ROTTEN PEACHES

L.A. Sketches

2012-01-07T08:42:00.002-05:00

L.A. Story

2012-01-03T07:24:00.003-05:00

When I said that I was going to Los Angeles for a week’s vacation, many of my friends asked why Los Angeles? I was surprised by the question. Why not Los Angeles? There’s plenty of sightseeing, beaches, warm weather, and interesting places to visit. I thought that maybe my friends assumed I was going on business since I work in television, except that I said it was a vacation. Or maybe since many of my friends also work in television, they couldn’t imagine going to the entertainment capital of the world for vacation. Too close to work.

I had only been to Los Angeles once before and that trip was work-related. I have some nice memories of that trip, but mainly the experience was a bummer. I didn’t leave with a positive impression of the city. Everything seemed dirty and exhausted, especially the palm trees.

This trip was much better and completely erased the bad impression of the last visit. My wife lived in L.A. before I met her and she acted as our tour guide. We covered a lot of ground in just four days. Our hotel was in Venice Beach. We walked from Venice Beach to the Santa Monica Pier and then into the promenade. We visited Malibu, Hollywood, Griffith Observatory, Los Feliz, Beverly Hills (and the Sharon Tate house), Abbot Kinney, and more places than I care to list. We saw the Groundlings, had a late dinner at Cantor’s Deli, a drink at the Dresden restaurant, and more.

At Cantor’s, I saw a character actor whose name I didn’t know. He usually plays the Jewish friend. I considered walking over to him and saying, “Didn’t I cast you for a Toyota commercial a few years ago?” But I didn’t because there was a good chance he’d say yes.

Los Angeles smells like a combination of pot and burnt coffee.

The local news spent more time covering the preparations for the Rose Bowl Parade than any other news story.

There are British people everywhere. WTF?

At Shutters on the Beach, a glass of orange juice costs ten dollars. The only reason I could imagine why it costs that much is because the juice is individually squeezed by Guatemalan virgins between their breasts.

Actually, everything is expensive in L.A. Even at the grungy hippie Chinese restaurant without a liquor license.

As we were leaving the grungy Chinese restaurant, we ran into a homeless man outside the restaurant asking for money to buy food. We had a bag of leftovers, which we vaguely considered having in the room later, but more likely we would have thrown away. We gave the leftovers to the homeless man and as we walked away, we saw him sitting on the sidewalk eating.

In our hotel room, along with the overpriced bottles of booze, was a Booty Parlor intimacy kit and Sexwax (which is actually just sunscreen).

In our hotel room, there are sunglasses for sale.

Before we left, my wife kept reminding me to bring sunglasses. When we got to L.A., I understood why. The sun is intense and you need sunglasses. There are sunglasses of all varieties for sale everywhere you go. The sun makes everything appear sharp and well-defined, which made me finally understand why movies shot in L.A. look the way they do. Also, the sun’s sharp rays made it possible for my wife to see how gray my hair had become.

On Venice Beach, there are a surprising number of cats on leashes. One of the cats was a large ragdoll cat. His owner was a street vendor and at the end of the day, he put the ragdoll cat in a cat carrier. Handwritten on the side of the carrier, it read: Warning! Ferocious Venice Cat.

On Venice Beach, the snake man uses rubber snakes. But he doesn’t try to make you think they are real snakes. In fact, he tells where he got the rubber snakes, which is kind of an interesting story but not interesting enough to go into here.

On Venice Beach, we saw the legendary Harry Perry. For twenty dollars, he gave me a t-shirt, a CD and I was allowed to take a photo of him with my wife. Such a deal.

On Venice Beach, there are many medicinal marijuana clinics. Some of them have banners that read: Walk-ins Welcome. At one clinic, a pretty girl in a white lab coat hawked the clinic’s wares. If only, 1) I hadn’t been staying in a non-smoking room and 2) I still smoked pot.

L.A. voted to limit the Venice Beach street vendors. I’m glad I got a chance to see the bohemian version before the city sanitizes the strip and makes it as boring and soullessly commercial as Times Square in New York.

Things I overheard:
A rollerskating girl dressed completely in pink: “What do plastics eat?”

A teenage boy points at the La Brea tar pit: “It looks like the Gulf of Mexico.”

The Asian waitress at Benice: “Okay, who is ready to order?”

Some of the things said by woman ordering many many orders of tacos, burgers, and tubs of fries at the Paradise Cove: “Don’t eat big fish. ” “No dairy, no dairy.” “Cut the burgers in half.” “The fries are from an earlier order and here is the buzzer for the fries, but now this is the buzzer for the tacos. And I already paid for the fries and here is the buzzer for the fries I already ordered. You can cut the burgers in half, right? And remember, no sour cream. We don’t eat dairy.”

I don’t have direct quotes, but I overheard an interesting conversation between two young women at a local hangout. They were stylishly dressed in knock-offs. Their conversation centered on how they were able to look stylish without paying full price.

Overall, the trip to Los Angeles was great. The people could be annoying, but not all of them and they were no more annoying than the annoying people in Atlanta. At least in Los Angeles, most of the drivers don’t try to run you off the road. In fact, when we got back to Atlanta, we were driving back home on the freeway when a redneck in an oversized pickup truck roared past us and crowded us out of our lane. Welcome home, yehaw!

Biscoff

2012-01-02T11:07:00.004-05:00

My wife and I decided that there is a term for what our cat Biscuit is doing when he is getting personal with his cat bed.

The term is "Biscoff." And there is even a product out there that promotes his obsessive habit.

Nature Hike

2011-12-04T16:58:00.002-05:00

Went for a guided hike through the area where the old Atlanta Prison Farm used to be. Lots of acres that are only being used by deer and people riding ATVs. The marble is from the old Atlanta Library that was torn down and the slabs were dumped in the woods.

Disappointing Fortune Cookie Fortunes

2011-10-08T19:51:00.002-04:00

What has happened to fortune cookie fortunes? I got one not too long ago that predicted that I would get a good night's sleep. At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if I got one that predicted that I would remember to floss.

The fortune cookie I opened last night had this fortune:

A carrot a day may keep cancer away.

At first, I thought the cookie was fucking with me, but then I learned that indeed it was true. Eating carrots does help prevent cancer. Good to know, but still a lame fortune. I expect mystery and romance in my fortune cookie fortunes, not health advice.

If this keeps up don't be surprised to find one of these inside your next fortune cookie:

Don't forget to call your mother.

Get a prostrate exam.

Avoiding trans fats will reduce the chance of heart attack

The True Grit Rule

2011-09-21T21:23:00.002-04:00

I am sick of all the film remakes. Many of the originals were perfectly fine the first time around and nothing was gained by the remake. Here are some examples of films that didn’t need to be remade:

Straw Dogs
Last House on the Left
Let The Right One In
The Grudge
Planet of the Apes

Now sometimes the remake is equal to or superior to the original movie. The best example is “True Grit.” The Coen Brothers remake is much better than the one starring John Wayne. Sure, Wayne won the Oscar for his performance but that was more of a lifetime achievement award.

Other outstanding remakes are “His Girl Friday” and John Carpenter’s “The Thing” which I love as much as the Howard Hawks original. However, now a remake of the John Carpenter version is coming out. There’s no need for that. That is why I want to establish the True Grit Rule. Unless you can make a film that is as good as or superior to the original, then don’t bother.

In fact, I want to take this one step further. As a real challenge to filmmakers, they should only be allowed to remake bad films. Many films start out as a good idea but somewhere in the execution, something goes wrong and a turkey is born instead of a classic. Why not take one of these mistakes and correct it? A possible example of this is the planned remake of “Logan’s Run.” Or better yet, take something that was a bad idea to begin with and see if you can find a way to make it work.

I’m not suggesting an impossible challenge like “The Beast of Yucca Flats” or “Glen or Glenda.” But then again, why not remake “Santa Claus conquers the Martians” into a cleverly written campy holiday romp?

Here are some movies whose original premise didn't entirely suck, but came out bad and have the potential to be remade into decent movies:

Ishtar
Nell
Dan In Real Life
Striptease
Speed Racer
Heaven’s Gate
Space Jam
Gigli
Catwoman

Okay, maybe “Glen or Glenda” has a better chance at being remade into a decent film than “Gigli.” At least people know how to pronounce Glen and Glenda.

Biscuit loves his bed

2011-08-13T19:58:00.003-04:00

Biscuit outgrew his first bed so I got him a new one. The pet store I went to didn't have cat beds the size I needed, so I ended up getting him a small dog bed. The bed is oval with a bolster around the edge.

Biscuit took to his new bed right away. But then, he really took to it. He started straddling the bolster and kneading it and biting it. Let's face it. He started humping his bed. After a good ten minutes of humping, he falls into a contented sleep in the bed. He does this at least once a day, sometimes more. Well, he is a teenager.

Pop Quiz

2011-07-24T20:20:00.002-04:00

Q: What's the difference between Anders Behring Breivik and Osama Bin Laden?

(Other than the fact that one is dead and the other one isn't- yet.)

A: Religious affliation

New York Sketches

2011-07-19T09:21:00.000-04:00

Ellis Island

2011-07-07T13:49:00.003-04:00

My wife and I visited Ellis Island last week. It was a moving experience for both of us since our respective grandparents had passed through there when they immigrated to America. For my wife and I, visiting the island was the best way to celebrate the 4th of July.

Coming to America had to have been an amazing experience for our grandparents, sailing past the Statue of Liberty and then spending what must have seemed like a lifetime trying to get though the frightening process of being allowed to enter a strange new country where you didn't know the language or the local customs. But they made it past the island and prospered in their adopted country.

While I was in the gift shop looking at the really lame Ellis Island t-shirts, I came up with what I feel is the perfect slogan for all children of immigrants who passed through Ellis Island to enter America:

MY GRANDPARENTS WENT TO ELLIS ISLAND AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY FREEDOM.

Worst Graphics Session Ever

2011-06-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

After almost twenty years as a video writer/producer, most of that time spent in dark rooms working with an editor or a graphics operator, there are bound to be a few projects that didn’t go as well as I would have wanted them to.

The worst graphics session I can remember (there are probably sessions even more heinous this one, but my mind has mercifully erased them from my memory) took place at one of the most expensive video post production companies in town. I hired the company’s design group to do promo graphics.

At first, they treated me like royalty. I had my own project coordinator who had me come to their offices to meet with their design team. I attended two meetings where I discussed the project with two designers, a graphics operator, the project coordinator, and the head of the design group. There were a couple of other people in the room, but I can’t remember who or why they were there. Maybe they were called in to help fill up the room.

The designers came up with some brilliant ideas and we all agreed on the direction to take. There was lots of creative energy. I was told more than once about how excited everyone was to work on my project. After the second meeting, the project coordinator showed me the session room where my graphics would be created. The room was the home for the latest hot shot graphics machine. It was a big room with a long desk and comfy couch for the client.

“When you come in on Monday,” the project coordinator said, “we’ll have already started on your job. This is going to be the best graphics session you’ve ever had. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

This was on a Thursday. I spent the weekend feeling like this project was one less thing I had to worry about.

When I arrived on Monday, I signed in at the front desk and went to the big session room where my project was supposed to have already started. When I entered the room, I was confronted by someone I had never seen before. He wasn’t the graphics operator who had been to my meetings. He scowled at me and this is what he said verbatim:

“What the fuck are you doing in here?”

I explained that I had a session in this room today. And this is how he responded. Verbatim:

“No you don’t. I’m working in this room today. Get the fuck out of here, asshole. This is my room.”

I should add that he yelled his responses. Now, I have worked for a video post production company. If I had spoken to any client, whether they were my client or not, in the same manner that this dipshit had spoken to me, I would have been fired immediately. Even after I complained about his behavior, nothing was done about this guy. Hell, he probably got a fucking raise.

I went and asked the front desk receptionist where my session was since it apparently wasn’t in the room I was told it would be in. The receptionist looked at the schedule and said she didn’t see me listed as having a session with their company today, but if I wanted to I could ask the head of the design group to check the weekly schedule. So I asked the receptionist to get me the head of the design group.

“I don’t know where she is right now,” the receptionist said. “I’m sure she’s around somewhere. Would you like to wait? She’ll probably come by sometime today.”

I didn’t care to wait. I stalked the halls until I found the head of the design group sitting in her office. Apparently her office was the last place the receptionist expected her to be. I told her about my bad experience with the rude operator and the fact that I wasn’t listed on the schedule and where the hell was the session I was paying for that day.

Needless to say, the head of the design group was furious. How dare I come to her with my problems! With a big disgusted sigh, she reluctantly went and checked the weekly schedule. She said it had been moved to another room and gave me a room number. I told her I had no idea where she was talking about, could she show me where this room was? With another disgusted sigh, she got up and led me down a hallway I’d never noticed before and ushered me into a small room. She said my session was in there and left without another word.

I should note here that I have come across this woman since that day and she still hates me for making her tell me where my session was and for having the unmitigated gall to suggest she chastise the rude operator who told me to “get the fuck out” of his room. This despite the fact that she no longer works for that post production company.

So I finally found my session. It was a smaller room that the room I thought I’d be in, but it wasn’t a broom closet either. There was no long desk or comfy couch, just one end of the table holding the graphics machine and an office chair. The graphics machine was not one I had ever heard of before. The graphics operator was not the one who had attended my creative meetings. I had never seen him before and had no idea who he was.

He was a nice guy. A bit goofy. He gave me a big smile and this is what he said. Verbatim.

“So, what are we working on today?”

“They didn’t tell you what this session was for?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“So you have no idea what we’re working on?”

“Hmmm,” he looked at the work order. “I think the name of the project is somewhere on here.” He put the work order down. “Might be easier if you just explained it to me.”

It dawned on me that all those meetings were nothing but show. The designers had done nothing. I was the victim a bait and switch scam. You really don’t expect this kind of crap from a reputable video post production company, but I am sorry to say it’s not as uncommon as it should be.

Well, the post production company had me by the short and curlies. I had to get the project done. I couldn’t afford to pull out at that time and find another company. Too much time had passed. My deadline was looming and I was already paying for this time.

I started to explain to the graphics operator what the project was about when he interrupted me.

“Just so you know,” he said. “I’ve never used this machine before so I might be a little slow.”

That sentence contained the first truthful words I heard from that video post production company.

Once he got started making what would be truly crappy graphics that were barely approved by my angry boss, I called the project coordinator to ask why my session had been changed and what the hell happened with the designers I’d met in the meeting. The project coordinator said they had to change the schedule because of an unexpected conflict that pulled the room and the designers to another project. I knew that was code for the company got a cooler job that paid more so I was bumped to crap status. It didn’t matter that I had already paid good money for what they had promised.

And that my friends was the worst graphics session I ever had the misfortune to endure.

(photo from Shutterstock)

I Triple Dog Dare You

2011-06-15T07:06:00.002-04:00

Time: 1981
Place: Atlanta, Georgia

Her name was Nancy. She was Jewish and she lived three blocks from the duplex I shared with my sister. Nancy lived with her mother and her two pure breed Cocker Spaniels. Even though the female dog was getting old, Nancy refused to have her fixed.
“I’m only supposed to breed my dogs a certain number of times,” Nancy said. “But people pay a lot for Cocker Spaniel puppies, and I need the money.”

Nancy and I were about the same age. Nancy might have been Jewish, but she was white trash all the way. She dressed cheaply, and her makeup was clownish. She was also one of the stupidest people I have ever met.

Nancy loved to go disco dancing. “That’s how I control my weight,” she explained.

She went as often as she could. I was still new to Atlanta and didn’t know many people, so I agreed to be her date. Nancy and I went to the Limelight Disco. She knew one simple dance step that she repeated like a broken robot.

Nancy insisted on driving whenever we went out. She also insisted that I not put on my seatbelt, because she felt I was insulting her driving. I insulted her driving every time because 1) she drove too fast and recklessly, and 2) she had been in a terrible auto accident that left her in a coma for weeks.

When Nancy came out of her coma, she had to relearn how to walk, talk, and feed herself. She claimed her intelligence was stunted as a result of the coma. I believed Nancy until I met her sister.

“Did she tell you how her intelligence was stunted because she was in a coma?”  Nancy’s sister asked.

“As a matter of fact,” I said, “she did tell me that.”

“She is lying, Nancy has always been reckless and stupid. That’s how she ended up having the car accident. She was drunk on her ass, driving like a maniac, and not wearing her seatbelt. Now she uses the accident as an excuse to be even more stupid and irresponsible.”

One late night, after disco dancing at the Limelight, Nancy and I decided we were hungry. Nancy suggested a restaurant on Peachtree Street that stayed open late for the night owls who were out partying into the wee hours. So we went to the restaurant, and were seated in the dining room, which was very large and had very low light. Other than Nancy and me, there were maybe three other couples in the place. Our waiter was a prissy gay boy who seemed altogether disgusted by our very presence. He gave us our menus and promptly disappeared. I was trying to decide between a western omelet or a bagel with cream cheese when Nancy commented that all the dancing we had done earlier had left her quite sweaty.

“I wish I could take off my shirt,” she said, “then I could cool off better.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” I said. “Take off your shirt.”

I didn’t say this because I wanted to see Nancy with her shirt off. Her body was too compact and she had almost no curves. I only said it to make conversation.

“You’re not daring me to take off my shirt, are you?” Nancy said, looking around the room to see if anybody was watching us.

“You bet I am,” I said, “I dare you to take off your shirt.”

Now I was just egging Nancy on to see what she would do. Nancy became very serious.

“Whatever you do,” she said,” don’t triple dog dare me.”

“And why not?” I asked.

“Because, “ she explained, “if somebody triple dog dares you, you have to do it.”

I had never heard this before. Somehow, I had made it this far in life without ever being triple dog dared or witnessing someone else being triple dog dared. I figured now was as good a time as any to see if it worked.

“Okay,” I said. “I triple dog dare you to take off your shirt.”

And off came the shirt.

It was a tight, cotton short sleeve top with stripes with visible sweat stains on the armpits. She grabbed the bottom of the shirt and slipped it off over her head. She wore a pink bra over her small compact tits. At that same moment, the waiter returned to take our order. He gasped. She gasped and struggled to put the shirt back on.

“I’ll give you a few more minutes to decide,” the waiter said and then he ran out of the room.

Nancy managed to get her shirt back on, inside out.

I was pissed. Our waiter was already slower than molasses, and now he would never come back. Nancy’s face was bright red. She went to the ladies’ room to fix her shirt. When she came back, she swallowed some water and said, “I told you not to triple dog dare me.”

I just kept thinking, why I didn’t I triple dog dare her to give me a blowjob?

Biscuit catches himself

2011-06-12T18:13:00.000-04:00

We keep a plastic crate on top of the litter box. Biscuit was playing inside the crate and somehow managed to flip the crate off the litter box and down to the floor. The crate landed upside down with Biscuit inside. He had trapped himself.

We use the crate for recycling, but it happened to be empty that night or else we would have had garbage all over the floor. Instead we had a very upset kitten trapped in a plastic crate that was too heavy for him to lift.

We were on the other side of the house when Biscuit caught himself. We had heard the crate land and I had gone to see what the noise was. As I was looking around to see what had fallen, Biscuit started crying loudly. At first, I was worried he was hurt, but then when I saw what he did, I admit I laughed at his misfortune.

I considered going to get my camera, but he was so upset, I freed him instead.

Jelly Doughnuts

2011-06-05T11:55:00.002-04:00

One day I got an unexpected phone call from my favorite television graphics company. Normally, fishing expeditions from production houses annoy the crap out of me, but I always enjoyed talking to their sales rep no matter what the occasion. The rep was (and I suppose still is) a lovely woman whom I will name Sally.

I let Sally know right away that I didn’t have any upcoming projects that needed graphics. We continued to chat anyway. Sally told me that my former boss, Mitch, was coming to town for a video shoot with her company. She suggested I should come by the shoot, say hello to Mitch, and take advantage of the junk food from craft services.

I certainly wanted to catch up with Mitch, but I didn’t feel right about invading his video shoot. I told her I’d give him a call and see if he was available for dinner after the shoot.

“Are you sure about that?” Sally asked. “We have lots of good things to eat on our craft services table.”

“I’m sure you do,” I said, getting into the joking spirit. If you were on a shoot and not part of the crew, it wasn’t unusual to find yourself passing the long hours by gorging on the stacks of junk food provided by craft services.

“If I know Mitch,” I added, “he’ll be at the table most of the day, stuffing his mouth with jelly doughnuts.”

“I never would have guessed that Mitch was a doughnut man,” Sally said.

I had no idea what Mitch thought of jelly doughnuts. I just brought up the donuts because there always seemed to be a box on every craft table I’d ever seen. The jelly donuts were usually never touched and rock hard by the end of the day. I was just riffing on the joke she started and honestly, I thought she was keeping it going.

“Oh yeah,” I said in what I thought was an obviously joking voice. “Mitch loves jelly doughnuts. Especially the ones covered in powdered sugar. That man might be tall and thin, but he can eat a pound of powdered sugar. I do believe he snorts it like cocaine.”

Sally laughed and after some more chit chat, we said our goodbyes.

A week later, Mitch came to town for the video shoot. He wasn’t going to be in town long enough for dinner, but suggested I join him and Sally for lunch.

At lunch, Sally tried hard to give me the stink eye, but was too sweet of a person to maintain it. Finally, it came out. She had made a special trip that morning to Kirspy Kreme for a big box of jelly doughnuts, all covered in generous heaps of powdered sugar. She had put them in the center of the crafts table so Mitch would be sure to see them.

After Mitch ignored them for a few hours, she asked him why he hadn’t tried one.

“I’m not a fan of jelly doughnuts,” Mitch said. “Never have been.”

“What about powdered sugar?” Sally asked.

“That white stuff that sticks to your fingers?” he replied. “Can’t stand it.”

Sally was crushed until she finally got the nerve to explain to Mitch that she only got the donuts because I claimed that he loved them.

“And you believed him?” Mitch said.

During lunch, Sally chided me for fooling her and promised to get revenge on me some day. I apologized for misleading her.

“What happened to the doughnuts?” I asked.

“Nobody wanted them,” Sally said. “I’m going to throw them out. Unless you want them.”

“Oh God no,” I said. “I can’t stand them either.

In Bed

2011-05-24T08:43:00.002-04:00

We all know that you can turn any fortune from a fortune cookie into a sexually suggestive phrase by adding the words "in bed" to the end of the fortune. However, I opened a cookie last night and found one that didn't work at all. It read:

You will sleep well at night.

So if you add the words "in bed" you get:

You will sleep well at night in bed.

That's not sexually suggestive at all. It just sounds like a statement of fact. You sleep well in bed as opposed to on the floor. However, the fortune did come true. I slept very well last night. In bed.

Smells Like Chipmunk Ass

2011-05-22T12:09:00.002-04:00

I entered the porch and walked right by the dead chipmunk by the door without even noticing it. It was not a complete dead chipmunk. It was only the bottom half, which included the chipmunk’s ass, tail and hind legs.

Biscuit was not so unobservant. He snatched it up with his mouth and ran out into the yard with it. He raced up and down the yard with the chipmunk ass in his mouth. He flung the chipmunk ass into the air and then swatted at it with his front paws. He danced around it, punched it, and did the wiggle butt attack on it. At one point, he flung it in the air and caught it in his mouth and celebrated the catch with another dash around the yard. Basically, he kicked that chipmunk ass’s ass.

As I was watching Biscuit have his way with the chipmunk ass, Alice joined me on the porch. She went directly to where the chipmunk ass had been next to the door and sniffed around. I had suspected that she was the one who had caught the chipmunk and devoured its front end. Alice is the not first cat I’ve had who only ate the head and torso of the chipmunk and left the ass behind. Maybe it tasted like chipmunk shit.

After determining that her chipmunk ass was missing, Alice looked out into the yard and spotted Biscuit attacking her leftovers. She didn’t seem to care and just watched him play. If he wanted the good part, he’d have to catch it himself.

(Photo from Free-Extras)

Oh Rapture!

2011-05-20T08:01:00.002-04:00

So the Rapture is tomorrow. And looting starts Sunday.

Or more likely, the excuses start Sunday for why the Rapture didn't come. There have been predictions that proved false (obviously) in the past, so I'm sure the predictors of this latest divine non-event have some good excuses stored up from past experiences.

But the group that should be most worried are the parents who believe in the Saturday Rapture who have kids who don't believe. If the Rapture doesn't come, then what kind of authority will they have over their children? Their kids will have an excuse not to listen to their parents ever again.

The parents say, don't do drugs, it will lead to madness and financial ruin. The kids say right and the Rapture was going to happen on May 21st. How'd that one work out? I think I'll take my chances and roll a joint. Or the parents warn their child that if he keeps doing that, he'll go blind. The kid says, blind enough to believe the Rapture was coming on May 21st? Excuse me, I'm going to my room to abuse myself.

A little part of me wonders if the Rapture really will happen. I believe there are things in the world beyond my understanding. I believe in the possibility of magic, ghosts, aliens, and divine intervention. So why not Rapture? I know if it comes, I won't be invited to join Jesus. But I also know that a lot of people who are convinced they are on the guest list will also not be ascending to the heavens. But they shouldn't be sad about that. They can join us left behinders for the Sunday Looting.

Ward, don't you think you were a bit rough on the beaver last night?

2011-05-09T20:08:00.005-04:00

Initial box office returns for the Jodie Foster directed film "The Beaver" starring Mel Gibson indicate that the film is a bomb. Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't help that Foster is playing a vulnerable female when everyone knows she's a shrewd tough lady. Gibson's headline producing anti-semitic rants and alleged spousal abuse don't help much either.

I don't buy the anti-Mel angle. Being anti-semitic was exactly how he made a mint off "The Passion of the Christ." Many popular actors and most of all professional athletes are known for being abusive toward the women in their life and very few lose money or apparently sleep due to feelings of guilt over the matter.

But I always knew what the main problem is, what is basically the elephant in the room that everyone is ignoring. The problem is the fucking title. "The Beaver????" Does anyone who every spent time in the third grade not know that the word beaver is slang for vagina? And on that knowledge, are we to assume that the story is about an alcoholic dick of a man who passes out in a garbage dump and wakes up with a vagina puppet stuck to his hand and then spends the next ninety minutes of the movie fucking himself and everyone around him? Not that that's a bad premise for a movie. I've heard worse.

The makers of this film are treating it like its such an amazing ensemble acting experience with a deep touching story. Oh please. The trailer alone made me cringe. It was sad and over the top and not in a good way at all. They should have run with the title and sold it as a campy vainglorious train wreck. And if they insisted on being serious, use a different animal puppet. Anything that doesn't make us think of hairy female reproductive organs. The raccoon. The possum. The marsupial. Come on. There's a whole forrest out there they're missing because of one animal chewing on a tree. Or was that Mel chewing up the scenery?

Bin Laden is dead

2011-05-02T08:32:00.003-04:00

Osama Bin Laden is dead.
Shot in the head.
Good.
He was a man who needed to die.

The Steaming Heathen

2011-05-01T21:23:00.002-04:00

Here is artwork I did when I was a teenager. It's actually quite embarrassing but I felt the need to share. I was into cosmic stuff back then. I'm happy to report its a phase that I outgrew.

I did this one for art class. It's a print from a plexiglass etching.

I occasionally did "cosmic" versions of my friends. This was my girlfriend's best friend, Jessica. I don't know if I ever showed it to her.

Random doodles. I have no recollection of what "RADAD MADNESS" is supposed to be. Maybe I meant radar madness, which doesn't make any more sense.

More random doodling. I rather like how the woman's face turned out.

I was always working on some comic book idea that rarely made it past two or three pages. This one only made it as far as this one page. You can see how Barry Windsor Smith influenced me back then. I love the caption, "The steaming heathen lifted him into the air and hurled him into space." Now that's writing!

Tales of the Flying Biscuit

2011-04-26T06:52:00.003-04:00

Biscuit, our rapidly growing kitten, had his first kill this past weekend. Sure, he'd caught and eaten a variety of bugs, but nothing of substance. His chosen prey was a sparrow. Rather than show a photo of the adorable bird that he actually killed, I put this photo of Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow instead.

I was in my office when I heard a bird screeching inside the house. At first, I thought Alice, our older and much more experienced hunter, had brought in the bird. But then, I found Alice and Biscuit in master bath. Alice was staring at the sparrow in Biscuit's mouth and Biscuit was growling at Alice. This was his bird, damn it. Go get your own.

Biscuit took the sparrow into the bathtub to play with it. I was thankful for that. No matter how this thing ended, there was going to be a lot of feathers flying around and having the bird in the bath would kept the feathers from spreading all over the house.

I grabbed a rag. My intention was to wrap the rag around the bird and then force Biscuit's mouth open. Then I would take the bird outside and set him free. He would have a grand story to tell the other sparrows when he got home. But I was too late. By the time I got the rag on the bird, Biscuit had already killed it. I put the sparrow in the woods while Biscuit searched the bathtub for his lost prey. And even though Biscuit didn't get a chance to play with his bird and eat it too, he had proudly made his first kill.

Happy Anniversary Civil War

2011-04-14T20:25:00.002-04:00

The Civil War's 150th Anniversary is this coming Saturday. I hope the war ends soon. If you're from the south then you know the battle rages on.

Shooting Range

2011-04-05T08:42:00.002-04:00

I went to a shooting range for the first time in my life. Had a great time. I was invited by a friend who showed great patience and generosity. I managed to shoot the target, though I also managed to shoot the wire that controls the location of the target. The range had to be shut down for a half hour while the wire was repaired. I fired a variety of weapons, including a 9mm, AK47, AR15, 12 gauge shotgun, a 45, and something called "The Judge." There were all sorts of folks at the range, all of them friendly. There was a geniune sense of community.

I didn't walk out feeling that I had to have a gun. I have never been against gun ownership, but I am not convinced that arming everyone will make us all safer. Someone at the range said that "An armed society is a polite society." I suppose means that all drive-by shootings begin with, "Excuse me, mind if I pop a hundred caps in yo' ass?"

A gun is a tool that can be used wisely or foolishly, just as a baseball bat can be used to swat baseballs or bash in heads. I respect the gun owners who treat their weapons with great care and follow strict procedure. But they are not all gun owners, just as not all car drivers are safe drivers.

As I said, I had a great time. Might even do it again someday. Might even take a class to learn more about guns. But the thrill of firing the gun did not change my opinion of them. I still believe there needs to be more discussion in society about how we want to regulate guns. One side of the argument cannot have complete sway over the other half. A balance has to be attained.

Sketches

2011-03-29T12:54:00.001-04:00

Moses doesn't have time for your crap.

2011-03-25T08:55:00.002-04:00

According to this blog, Moses has been grumpy ever since God decided he couldn't enter the land of milk and honey with the freed Jews from Egypt.

Good Night Frances

2011-03-21T15:31:00.000-04:00

The Biscuit report

2011-03-17T19:51:00.002-04:00

I don't have any photographic evident yet, but I have seen Biscuit climb brick walls. I was at the kitchen sink and happened to look out the window just as he scaled the corner of the house. He reached eye level with me, which put him a good six feet or higher off the ground. I was so surprised that I yelled for J to come to the kitchen quick so she could see this amazing sight. However, he had already jumped to the ground by the time J arrived. But she'd witnessed Biscuit's wall climbing skills earlier in the week. I was just catching up to his latest amazing feat.

What I'm Reading

2011-03-08T08:26:00.002-05:00

I tend to read fiction more often than nonfiction, but lately that trend has been reversed. I picked up “The Family” by Jeff Sharlet as part of the research I’m doing for a story idea. The book’s subtitle, “the secret fundamentalism at the heart of American power,” gives the best description of what the book is about.

“The Family” is a dense read, but worthwhile, perhaps even essential reading. I’m only half way through and so far I am frightened and enraged in equal measure. Thanks to Sharlet, most everyone now knows about the “C-Street” influence in American politics and the Family’s perverse concept of “trickle down Christianity.” We see plenty of examples of religious groups controlling the wealth and power of nations, but this sort of thing isn’t supposed to happen in the United States of America. The Family hasn’t completely taken over and to some degree, doesn’t seem to want to. They prefer to be the invisible hand that influences policy. In many ways this makes them even more frightening. We never know just who they are or how much power they actually have.

Since I’ve started reading Sharlet’s book, I’ve begun to suspect the Family’s hand in many of the debates raging in the country today. The Tea Party Republican’s plan to solve the financial crisis by giving huge tax breaks to Wall Street (the same guys who got us into the present recession) and vilifying public school teachers fits the Family’s agenda perfectly.

I guess the one thing I just can’t wrap my head around when it comes to this type of Christian fundamentalism is how in the hell did they take the nice love thy neighbor, help the poor Jesus of the New Testament and manage (in their heads) to turn him into a rich white fascist asshole? I can only hope that God is building up a mountain of hubris to drop on their heads.

Thank you again Jane's Stories Press Association

2011-02-28T19:42:00.002-05:00

Jane's Stories Press Association has posted on their website the query letter for my novel "The Black Phoenix." It was the winning entry in their Bite-Sized Query Letter Contest. They described my query as "kick ass."

Rubber Biscuit

2011-02-24T22:12:00.002-05:00

Time for another cute kitten update. Biscuit is three months old now. He’s growing fast. He still purrs a lot. We like that about him.

Our other two cats, Alice and Frances, have stopped smacking him in anger. Alice has stopped hissing at him. In fact, Alice finally figured out that Biscuit is more fun to play with than Frances, since Frances outgrew playing years ago.

I put a cat bed on my desk and he took to it right away. He naps while I work.

Things Biscuit likes to play with:
Pipe Cleaners
Fuzzy Cat Toys with Fuzzy Tails
The Stick with Feathers and a Felt Ladybug
Alice
A Broken Shoelace
Air
My shoes (with or without my feet in them)

Exciting Things Biscuit has experienced recently:
Wearing a Collar
Playing in the Yard
Baby Food (it’s for old Frances, but he had to try it too)

Soon we will get Biscuit a name tag to go on his collar. Then we will let him go outside without us watching him. However, even if we don’t go with him, he will be supervised. Alice has taken it upon herself to stay near him when he’s outside. It’s obvious that she’s making sure he’s okay.

Washington, DC Sketches

2011-02-14T11:40:00.004-05:00

Here are sketches from my recent visit to Washington, DC. I was breaking in a new sketchpad. The pages are a bit thin which explains the bleed through, but it's a nice surface to work on.

Bite-Sized Query Contest

2011-02-07T06:53:00.003-05:00

I just found out that I am the winner of Jane's Stories Press Foundation Bite-Sized Query Contest. I had submitted my query for my urban fantasy novel "The Black Phoenix." My thanks to Jane's Stories for choosing me.

What I'm Reading

2011-01-30T16:02:00.001-05:00

I’m reading “Night of the Living Trekkies” by Kevin David Anderson and Sam Stall. I was loading up on urban fantasy and science fiction books at DragonCon when on a whim I added this one on the pile. I bought such a huge amount of these genre books because DragonCon seemed the only time I’d find so many titles to choose from. I picked up “Night of the Living Trekkies” based on the hilarious cover.

I wasn’t expecting much when I finally got around to reading it. I didn’t know anything about the authors, nor did I realize that the publisher, Quirk Fiction, was also responsible for “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.” What I expected was something slightly better than amateur fan fiction. The concept was great- zombies at a Star Trek convention- but great writing doesn’t always accompany great concepts. I was delighted to discover that the Anderson and Stall wrote a damn good book. The characters are well defined. The pacing is perfect. The premise is wonderfully goofy. This is a very entertaining read.

I like Star Trek, but I’m not a trekkie. I learned a lot about Star Trek trivia from the book. I especially love that the chapter titles are taken from Star Trek episodes.

If you like your zombies with their undead tongues firmly embedded in their cheek, I suggest you pick up this book. I suggest you also check out their book trailer.

More 3 X 3 Sketches

2011-01-28T07:16:00.002-05:00

3 X 3 Sketchbook

2011-01-25T16:33:00.001-05:00

These are sketches from my 3 X 3 notebook. As some of the dates show, it's been awhile since I've posted sketches.

2nd Helping of Leftovers

2011-01-17T08:08:00.000-05:00

Leftover Action Figure Photos

2011-01-16T09:47:00.003-05:00

I was into doing action figure photos for calendars, but because I spent so much time coming up with situations to pose the figures in and then creating the shots, that I had to take a break. Here are some leftover photos that never made it into calendars.

On some of these, I don't remember exactly what I was going for. On others, the intent is pretty obvious. Rather than try to explain, I figured I'd let the photos stand on their own.

Vanity Fair

2011-01-13T19:59:00.001-05:00

Check out J's big news about her appearance in Vanity Fair. I'm so gosh darn proud of her.

Pointing Fingers

2011-01-09T12:02:00.001-05:00

I knew better. I turned on the Sunday talk shows knowing the main topic of discussion would be the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords. Already the finger pointing and responsibility dodging has begun. The Left blames the Right. The Tea Party immediately defends themselves and points out that the shooter was NOT one of theirs. Sarah Palin’s gun target graph is mentioned ad nauseum. I haven’t heard anything from the NRA, but I’m sure they will complain how people will try to use the tragedy to force a debate about gun control.

I knew this was how both sides would react. There are political points to be gained and political face to save. The only thing missing was one single person ready to accept blame in any way.

For me, there are two who are responsible for this atrocity.

The first is the shooter. He was probably mentally unbalanced to the point that he didn’t need much reason to attack a group of innocent people. He just needed a physical target to direct his personal rage.

The second is all of us. We are all responsible for the scorched earth mentality that has come to define political discourse in our country. Nowadays to even hint that your political opponent may have a legitimate point is considered a weakness to exploit. Compromise equals betrayal.

Anger may win elections, but it doesn’t provide answers. As soon as someone even hints at using violence or a pointed gun to make their point has already lost the argument because it means they didn’t have strong enough reasons to win a rational debate. And anyone who dismisses someone else’s passion as signs of being unstable isn’t playing fair either.

I would like to see one person with any political affliction to have the balls and decency to stand up at this painful moment and say: I am responsible. I contributed to the hate and the anger, but no more. I will continue to make my opposition known, but I will do so with respect for those who disagree. I will not point fingers at anyone but myself.

The Times They Are A'Changin'- Not So Much

2011-01-07T09:04:00.002-05:00

1960s
Hippie Liberal

2000s
Angry Conservative

1960s
Angry Conservative

2000s
Hipster Liberal

Hang in there, baby.

2011-01-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

Looking Back at 2010

2010-12-31T10:35:00.001-05:00

2011 is almost here. I decided to take a look back at the past year. So many things happened.

I won’t mention getting the new kitten. He gets enough free press as it is.

I didn’t win the lottery as I planned. Looks like I’ll have to come up with a new financial plan. I may even have to break down and try buying a ticket.

I checked my passport and sure enough, it is about to expire. Already I have a New Year’s resolution: renew my passport.

I saw Van Morrison at JazzFest. One of the best shows I've attended ever.

I got new tires for the car. Man, were they worn out. Glad I got that taken care of.

I finally convinced my mother that I don’t draw cartoons for the Cartoon Network. And I have finally accepted the fact that my mother will never understand what it is I do for a living.

I finally won my soul back from the Devil. If I weren’t such a Boggle addict, I’d never fall for his shenanigans. He offered to play me double or nothing. Double or nothing? What do I get if I win? He said I’d get a second soul, and I could pick from all the souls he’s bought. I told the Devil no thank you. I have enough to worry about as it is. Didn’t he know I just got a new kitten?

I had a good 2010. I truly believe 2011 will be even better.

Biscuit Rising

2010-12-25T12:01:00.003-05:00

We have a new kitten. We named him Biscuit. He’s an orange tabby who is more beige than orange. He’s only been with us for a few days, but he is rapidly taking over the place.

His biggest task, after figuring out where to eat and crap, is how to win over the two adult female cats who weren’t exactly thrilled about the new addition to the feline community.

The oldest female, Francis, who is nineteen, smacked Biscuit on the head a few times, ate his food, and drank from his water dish just to let him know who’s the boss. Since then, she has mainly ignored his presence. She has been here the longest and has already seen a number of other cats come and go, so a new cat is something she’s learned to deal with.

Alice, the four year old, is having a much harder time accepting the new kid. She was the darling baby until he arrived and she’s not happy at the prospect of being treated as a middle child. She growled and swatted Biscuit when he came around her. She avoided us as well as him. But she is slowly coming around. I think she realized that Biscuit wasn’t leaving despite repeated complaints to management.

However, even emotional Alice is starting to become fascinated by Biscuit. It finally dawned on her that here was something new to play with. She’s much bigger and stronger, so they are slowly negotiating how to play together.

Overall, for a kitten that has only been in a new environment for less than a week, we are quite impressed by Biscuit and look forward to his future endeavors.

Customer Service

2010-12-23T17:48:00.003-05:00

Since this is the season for shopping and buying more than we can afford, I got to thinking about what a pain in the ass it can be to go to a store and buy something. I hate it when a store gives me a hard time about taking my money.

I included the cartoon I did about my grandmother buying a toaster since it illustrates a rare pleasant buying experience.

I read an article in the paper about how companies like Best Buy and Compusa were having trouble competing against online electronics and appliance stores. Best Buy’s plan was to offer something to customers that they can’t get online. Namely, real life customer service and technical expertise.

Really? I wonder where Best Buy is going to find people adept at customer service and technical expertise to work in their stores since I’ve never found evidence of them being there in the past?

Way back when the economy was doing great and before the internet or housing bubble had burst, there were endless news articles about the outsourcing and sometimes deliberate death of customer service by large companies. Customer service has always been a problem for companies because its something they can’t directly charge the customer for. Companies know customer service is important, but they refuse to pay for it unless their very survival depends on. And sometimes even when they are drowning because they don’t provide sufficient support for their products, they still refuse.

The one time I was able to get a salesperson at Best Buy to actually speak to me, I asked him what he could tell me about a videocamera I wanted to buy as a gift. He read the outside of the package for me. Now I could have done that myself, but I wasn’t a technical expert like him.

Compusa was known for having the worst in store customer service around. The employees seem to take sadistic joy in being rude to customers with questions. I can’t believe they still exist.

If Home Depot hadn’t destroyed most of their competition, they would probably have gone out of business long before Arthur Blank had a chance to retire and buy the Atlanta Falcons. What is ironic about Home Depot is that they brag about great customer service. Let me give a personal example to prove that’s just not true.

My wife and I were adding a master suite to our house. We wanted a special size bathtub and went to the store to order it and make sure we were getting the right thing. We asked a salesperson how we would go about doing this. He became arrogant right away and insisted that we first needed to make an appointment to order something like that. The more we tried to question him about how this process of making an appointment was supposed to work and could we do it today, the more arrogant and unhelpful he became. He said we couldn’t order the tub today because we didn’t have an appointment. We couldn’t talk to the man who ordered the tubs because his schedule was full of previous appointments. Finally, we ignored this salesperson and went to a different salesperson sitting at desk not two yards away and asked him if we could make an appointment to order a tub. The second salesperson said we didn’t need an appointment, that he’d been sitting there with nothing to do all day and which tub were we interested in ordering? Since the first salesperson we spoke to didn’t have a note attached to his nametag explaining that he was an idiot and we shouldn’t believe a word he said, we assumed that he was a representative of Home Depot.

Later, I asked a builder if Home Depot floor walkers only ran and hid from customers they knew weren’t builders so that they could concentrate on those who knew the building products as well as they did and wouldn’t have to waste time explaining something to a novice? The builder assured me that the Home Depot floor walkers treated everyone, even builders, as if they had the plague and could become infected if one of use got within breathing distance of them.

I didn’t realize how bad the economy had become until the day I walked into a Home Depot (which I did only because I wasn’t close to the Lowe’s I normally go to) and a salesperson walked up to me and asked if I needed help. As it so happened I did, and the salesperson actually took me to the right aisle. I wanted to tell the salesperson to hang in there. Soon the recession would be over and she could go back to ignoring customers again.

There are so many companies that deserve mention for horrible customer service, but the one company that amazes me more than any other that they are still in business is Blockbuster. Their salespeople’s knowledge of movies seemed non-existent and they were consistently rude. But the worst thing about Blockbuster was that they stole from their customers with bogus late fees. I got to the point where I stopped using the return slot. Instead, I handed the movie to the person at the front desk and then demanded that they give me a receipt that proved I returned the movie on time.

If companies treated customers badly in the past, then they shouldn’t be surprised when customers abandon them when a better choice comes along. Places like Home Depot, Best Buy, Compusa, and Blockbuster didn’t have as much competition as they do today. Like most large companies, they were shortsighted. They forgot that something better is always around the corner. Maybe they don’t want to pay for good customer service, but in the long run, it always pays off.

Obama makes deal with Republicans

2010-12-07T07:22:00.001-05:00

Sadly, the Republicans are only programmed to say "Tax cuts for the rich!"

I Wonder...

2010-12-01T07:12:00.003-05:00

Why do people have such a hard time spelling my name?

It's Mickey. Not Mikey or Mickie or Meekee.

There's even a song to help you remember. "M-I-C...see you next week...K-E-Y...Why? Because it's that damn easy to spell."

When I mentioned a song about my name, I bet you thought of Toni Basil's "Mickey."

I bet right now you're singing, "Oh Mickey, you're so fine. You're so fine, you blow my mind."

Did you know that Toni Basil was in "Easy Rider?" It's true. Look it up on imdb.

I Wonder...

2010-11-28T08:57:00.003-05:00

Why do witches wear brass bras?

Is that why their tits are so cold or is it because they commonly reside in frigid climates?

If their tits are that cold, I bet their nipples get really hard.

Hard enough to cut glass.

Really I'm just obsessed with tits.

I Wonder...

2010-11-23T23:31:00.004-05:00

Do aliens think we're retarded?

We dream incessantly about space travel, but we haven't gotten a man any farther than the moon and it's right next to us.

We don't even have our own fucking jetpacks yet.

Do aliens capture people and give them anal probes to send a message to the rest of us?

Are they saying, "Hey, we could fuck your planet in the ass if we felt like it?"

I Wonder...

2010-11-21T11:53:00.002-05:00

Do werewolves love snow as much as dogs do?

Do they stick their nose in it and snuffle about?

Do they prance among the falling flakes?

Do they write their names in snowbanks with the blood of their victims?

When The Cat's Away

2010-11-18T06:49:00.001-05:00

"My wife! My best friend! My SQUEAKY TOYS!"

The Nature of Fear

2010-11-17T08:06:00.000-05:00

"Did you bring me a present?"

Good Dog Bad Dog

2010-11-15T21:58:00.000-05:00

Sketches

2010-11-07T13:07:00.002-05:00

It's been some time since I last posted any of my sketches. High time to post some new ones.

Death Metal Band Names

2010-11-01T07:00:00.002-04:00

I happen to notice some of the names for Death Metal bands. They're purposely depressing and aggressive, reflecting the doom and destruction in their music. Their names inspired me to come up with this game. Below are a list of Death Metal Band Names. Most of them are real, but a few were made up by me. See if you can guess which ones aren't actual band names. There is no prize for getting it right, just to the joy of playing the game.

1. Dying Fetus
2. Death Angel
3. Mass Burial
4. Decrepit Birth
5. Masochistic Cherry
6. Burden of Grief
7. Misery Speaks
8. Eternal Suffering
9. Venemous Concept
10. Cerebral Bone
11. Mother’s Disappointment
12. Hail of Bullets
13. Autopsy
14. Dawn of Ashes
15. My Little Antichrist
16. Crest of Darkness
17. Arch Enemy
18. Lord of Hate
19. Enemy of the Sun
20. Coldplay

(The made up names are numbers 5, 11 and 15. Number 20 was a trick question. Though their music has been know to cause extreme levels of agitation bordering on psychotic rage in some listeners, they are not technically a Death Metal band.)

More "Sexy" Halloween Costume Suggestions

2010-10-25T08:30:00.002-04:00

SEXY HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER
You’re neither humane nor resourceful, but I still can’t resist you.

SEXY JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
(I never did come up with a good caption for this one. I'm open to suggestions)

AND NOW THE SPECIAL ROCK N' ROLL EDITION OF THE "SEXY" HALLOWEEN COSTUME SUGGESTIONS

SEXY SHAGGS
Forget the witches, goblins, Frankensteins and zombies.
Tramps, Cinderellas, pirates, angels and gypsies.
It’s Shaggs Halloween Costume.
It’s Shaggs Halloween Costume.

SEXY YOKO ONO
We have many Sexy Yokos to choose from. Here are our three most popular: Sexy Wedding Yoko, Sexy New York Yoko, and Sexy Two Virgins Yoko.
Also available: Sexy Avant Garde Artist Yoko and Sexy Professional Widow Yoko.

SEXY MIDDLE AGE GROUPIE
Rock n' roll never forgets you. Especially that time in 1982 at that Holiday Inn in Topeka.

"Sexy" Halloween Costume Suggestions

2010-10-22T09:11:00.003-04:00

Every year there are more choices for "sexy" Halloween costumes available for purchase. While mainly for women, men have their choices too. The word "sexy" really should be replaced with the word "slutty." And though there are many slutty outfits out there, here are some that were missed.

My thanks for Sparkle Plenty for coming up with "Sexy Crazy Cat Lady" and to Kate for "Sexy Anthropologist."

SEXY FEMINIST
"Let me be the bicycle for your fish"
(and no that's not a vagina joke)

SEXY CRAZY CAT LADY
"We both agree that you can never have too much pussy."
(Ouch, that joke hurt.)

SEXY ANTHROPOLOGIST
"You can observe me in my natural habitat any time you like."

SEXY SECRETARY OF STATE
Available in Blue or Red

The Last Dr. Jimmy strip

2010-10-21T06:47:00.001-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 72

2010-10-20T06:55:00.002-04:00

I was working on an idea where I would reboot Dr. Jimmy and place the characters in the future. Sort of a Dr. Jimmy version of "Futurama." That explains Dr. Jimmy's talk of leaving the here and now for the future. I was already off the paper so I never bothered to develop the concept any further.

Dr. Jimmy 71

2010-10-19T09:09:00.002-04:00

This was the last Dr. Jimmy strip to appear in the Daily Beacon. I had two more strips drawn and ready to go that would have been my official farewell, but the paper wouldn't print them. I will post them later this week on my blog because this time the Beacon editors can't stop me. So there.

The tension between the editors and myself had gotten to be too much. They hated my strip and I hated them for hating my strip. My plan was that I would quit in protest and then outraged students would flood the Beacon offices with letters demanding my return. Of course, that didn't happen. It was just a silly cartoon strip. Students had more important things to worry about, like passing their classes. Plus, I was due for some hubris considering how I'd come to believe the strip was a much bigger deal than it was. Doing the strip was great fun while it lasted.

Dr. Jimmy 70

2010-10-18T09:12:00.002-04:00

I believe this is the second strip where Barbara Ward, Beacon editor made an appearance. I put her in because I really liked Barbara. She pushed to have student comic strips added to the paper and was someone I always enjoyed talking to. I wouldn't have teased her so much if I didn't admire her.

Dr. Jimmy 69

2010-10-15T08:59:00.001-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 68

2010-10-14T06:47:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 67

2010-10-13T07:25:00.001-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 66

2010-10-12T08:54:00.001-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 65

2010-10-11T08:23:00.002-04:00

This strip caused me all kinds of tsuris. The editor objected to the line in panel two that reads "and that's to get laid" and changed it, without my knowledge, to "and that's to get woman." I thought his version was more insulting than mine. We argued about it and he told me that my strip was only appropriate to appear in Hustler Magazine and not the respectable Daily Beacon. I argued back that Hustler would never take my strip because it wasn't near disgusting enough for their standards and the Beacon is a college fucking newspaper where we're supposed to air outlandish ideas and perhaps we could settle this out in the parking lot. Yeah, I challenged him to a fight because I was high and stupid. Though the editor and I didn't go out to the parking lot, I could tell that my troubles with him were just beginning.

I also ran into some minor trouble because of the last panel. All of the graffiti on the bathroom wall referred to people I knew. Most of them were friends who got a kick out of seeing their name in the strip, but the "B. Comer can't spell" was a direct reference to the guy who did the other comic strip in the Beacon. What I wanted to write was B. Comer can't draw, but I felt it was less insulting to just point out that he his strip was full of misspellings. He didn't appreciate the slight and ended up making fun of me in his strip, so I guess we were even.

Dr. Jimmy 64

2010-10-09T09:57:00.002-04:00

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the B.P.R.D.

2010-10-07T06:52:00.002-04:00

Though I was a big fan of Mike Mignola’s Hellboy comic books, I was wary when he began his Hellboy spin-off series, B.P.R.D. (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense). The series didn’t include Hellboy or Mike Mignola’s art. WTF?

Because I was such a big fan of Mignola and the occult world he had created, I bought the first couple of issues of B.P.R.D. just to see if it was at least as half as enjoyable as Hellboy. I wasn’t that impressed at first, but kept buying each new issue when it came out. Later, I realized I that B.P.R.D. was my favorite comic book. Hellboy’s melancholy in his solo series began to wear thin by comparison.

The interaction of the characters in B.P.R.D. as they try to work as a team against all kinds of weird otherworldly menaces is wonderful. It’s nice to see that the “freaks” don’t automatically gang up against the normal humans. Abe Sapien, the fishman, has more problems dealing with the morally ambiguous spirit Johann Kraus that he does with occult specialist Kate Corrigan.

The biggest surprise for me personally was how much I’ve grown to love Guy Davis’ artwork. Guy Davis has a deceptively rough style that works well with the creepiness of B.P.R.D. I have an easier time appreciating good comic book writers so I had no trouble getting into the great stories that John Arcudi has written with Mignola. But artists are a different story. Probably because when I was a teenager, I selected comic books based solely on the artwork. I’d pick up anything drawn by Barry Windsor Smith or Neal Adams, stare at the art for weeks, and never know what the story was about.

So for now, B.P.R.D. is my favorite comic book and might even stay that way until the frog invasion destroys mankind.

(B.P.R.D. illustration by Guy Davis taken from Wikipedia)

Dr. Jimmy 63

2010-10-06T08:11:00.000-04:00

What I'm Reading

2010-10-04T06:54:00.002-04:00

I’m reading “Me, Cheeta” as told to James Lever. This is the “autobiography” of Cheeta, the chimpanzee from the Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movies. What a brilliant idea to tell a campy story of Hollywood’s early days through the eyes of a famous chimp. The book even includes Cheeta’s filmography.

Though I’m always impressed when a writer comes up with a clever idea to hang his narrative on, I’m also wary that the narrative won’t be strong enough and that you end up with a great premise but a mediocre book. I haven’t found that to be true with this book. It’s well-written and engaging. Cheeta’s voice is perfect. No wonder it was nominated for the Man Booker Prize.

I bought the book on a whim when I was visiting my favorite independent bookstore, Bound to Be Read Books. One of the magical things about the store is that the owners Jef Blocker and Jeff McCord always have fun books like “Me Cheeta” on their main display table that you’d probably miss in a chain bookstore.

Dr. Jimmy 62

2010-10-03T17:32:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 61

2010-10-03T08:28:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 60

2010-10-02T10:53:00.002-04:00

This strip always creeped me out a bit because of the closeup of Newt's face. This was how I imagined him to look straight on, but it still was disturbing to me.

Dr. Jimmy 59

2010-10-02T10:51:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 58

2010-10-02T09:59:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 57

2010-10-01T09:34:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 56

2010-09-30T07:05:00.000-04:00

Public Opinion

2010-09-29T08:05:00.002-04:00

During the time I was doing Dr. Jimmy in my school newspaper in college, the paper published four letters to the editor about the strip. Two were in favor of my work and two were very much against my work. Here is what they wrote with the headlines the paper provided:

About "Dr. Jimmy"
To the editor,
After reading the "Dr. Jimmy" comic in the Feb. 2 Beacon, I felt compelled to voice my opinion. I fail to see the humor in any of the "Dr. Jimmy" comics printed in the Beacon thus far. I would describe "Dr. Jimmy" comics as repulsive, distasteful, pointless and crude.
In my opinion, it would definitely take a twisted sense of humor to find entertainment in Dubrow's treatment in such sensitive topics as rape and homosexuality. Sure the author of "Dr. Jimmy" has something more constructive to do with his time.
(this is from a female freshman majoring in journalism)

We Deserve Better
To the editor,
Your cartoon "Dr. Jimmy" has run long enough to prove to me at least, that it is cheap, uncreative, tasteless and boring. I see no social, political, moral, or artistic value in the strip.
Surely as college students, we deserve better than to see someone's ridiculous fantasies about creating giant cockroaches and eating giant eggs in our school paper. Can't you find something better to do with your space?
(this is from a female senior majoring in liberal arts)

Satiric Effort
To the editor.
My compliments to you and cartoonist Dubrow for the continuing presence of the cheap and tasteless Dr. Jimmy in The Beacon. The Doctor's treatment of such topics as the end of Dr. Roling, homosexuality among newts and the envy of whites for black hair styles confirms the time-honored state of affairs that the court fool can say things to the king that "responsible" persons will never risk saying. While Dubrow's humor is often sophomoric, it is always creative and usually interesting. I would like to see more space devoted to the satiric efforts of local cartoonists.
(this is from a male professor of clinical psychology)

A Healthy Escape
To the editor,
The comic strip "Dr. Jimmy" by Dubrow offers a healthy escape from the reality of higher education at UT. "Dr. Jimmy" is a transcendental comic strip which rises above common thoughts or ideas and offers a mystical view of the UT society. I claim to be a health educator, therefore, shall speculate that the nature of the strip, "Dr. Jimmy" is beneficial to mental health.
(name withheld) attack on cartoonist Dubrow's far-out imagination is clearly a case of Standardization, a mild neurological disorder characterized by severe diarrhea. The symptoms include demands for comic strips with social, moral, political, and artistic value such as "Mary Worth," "Nancy" and "Ziggy." The infectious agent, Ticky tachus, is spread by direct contact with infected persons. The incubation period is unknown, but usually occurs after several years of exposure to UT or one quarter of Barbara Ward, Beacon editor. Isolation of infected persons in dorm rooms is not recommended. Preventive measures include "Happy Hour" and small doses of good marijuana.
I am not the only person concerned with students' mental health. Joey Ledford, Managing Editor of the The Beacon, expressed his concern for UT students' mental health in the editorial, "Parking Crackdown Leads to Mania." Mania is an exaggerated desire for, pleasure in, or excitement induced by something, i.e, parking places. (name withheld) is apparently also suffering from mania, perhaps zoomania or ophidiomania, an excitement induced by giant cockroaches, newts, and big eggs. Persons who suffer from these various mania are known as maniacs.
I admit that "Dr. Jimmy" is not the best comic strip around, but it provides a vent for student's rage which might otherwise be directed towards UT administrators and trustees for their outdated policies. UT students should be aware that is is mentally unhealthy to bottle-up their emotions (pun indended). Mental health at UT is sometimes scarce, so let's not get rid of one Beacon cartoonist's fantasy of life at UT.
(this is from a male senior in public health)

I couldn't find the Feb. 2 strip that the woman in the first letter was referring to. My collection of old Beacons with my strip in them is not complete, so I have no idea what set her off.

At the time I was doing the strip, I was thrilled by the attention, both good and bad. I heard from friends who knew Chancellor Reese and President Boling that they had read of my satire of them in Dr. Jimmy and though they didn't get the joke, didn't mind the ridicule. On the other hand, I had one editor at the paper who seemed to especially hate the strip. He told me that his friends had approached him at parties to demand why he was allowing me to continue doing my terrible strip in the paper.

Both then and now, the question that has always gone through my head is why did some people hate Dr. Jimmy so much? I was doing the strip in the late 70s. The country had just gone through the radical 60s. I had grown up reading Zap comics, Mr. Natural, and National Lampoon. By comparison, Dr. Jimmy was as harmless as Nancy. Sure, I talked about race, rape, drugs, and frustration with authority, but who didn't? I really didn't understand the anger.

What I didn't get back then was that conservative views were not limited to people over 30. These young Republicans had every right to their opinion. However, what I didn't get back then and still don't understand now, was why they didn't just ignore the strip? Why the crusade to destroy it? Other people enjoyed it, so let them enjoy it. When I read the funnies in the Sunday paper, I skipped the strips I thought were lame.

Of course, I know the answer. We attempt to destroy things that offend us, regardless of whether those things are not offensive to others. It's how we end up with banned books, repressive governments, etc. I am by no means claiming that my little college comic strip suffered some kind of terrible repression from "the man." I had people who didn't like it who voiced their opinion, which they were entitled to do.

Dr. Jimmy 55

2010-09-28T08:02:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 54

2010-09-27T08:16:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 53

2010-09-25T08:59:00.001-04:00

Even though I had referred to Chancellor Reese and President Boling by name in earlier strips, my editors told me to change their names starting with this strip. You can even see where I turned an R into a B and vice versa.

Good use of blacks

2010-09-24T07:26:00.002-04:00

My college newspaper entered my strip "Dr. Jimmy" into the Tennessee Collegiate Press Association's annual award competition. All of the staffers went to the awards show. I wasn't invited to come along because I wasn't a staff member. Before they left, I told them to just bring me back the first prize. I remember one staffer being especially astounded by my statement.

"That's awfully arrogant of you to assume you're going to win first prize," she said.

"It's not arrogance," I said. "I just can't believe anyone in the state of Tennessee is working as hard on their comic strip as I am." Which was true, but I also said I was sure I'd win first prize because I thought I was the best. She was right. I was arrogant about my strip to the point of being a total dick about it.

When the staffers got back from the awards show, the same woman who called me out for being arrogant was the one who had to give me my first place award certificate. I did win first place. She was not happy I was right. She tossed the certificate at me with great disdain.

"Did the judges say anything about my strip?" I asked.

"Only one judge commented on it," she replied. "She liked how you filled up a lot of space with black, which nobody else seemed willing to do."

So there you have it. I won first place because I made good use of black in empty spaces.

Dr. Jimmy 52

2010-09-23T07:13:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 51

2010-09-22T08:30:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 50

2010-09-21T06:58:00.002-04:00

Damn, am I already up to number fifty? Thing is, I left out a few strips I did along the way for various reasons- single strips that wouldn't fit on the scanner, strips that frankly sucked eggs, etc. Friends on campus told me that the "roach" storyline made it into a few of their midterm tests. Hope everyone is enjoying my trip down memory lane as much as I am.

Dr. Jimmy 49

2010-09-20T07:08:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 48

2010-09-17T07:56:00.001-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 47

2010-09-16T06:47:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 46

2010-09-15T09:02:00.002-04:00

Dr. Jimmy never appeared in the Daily Beacon in color. But I always wondered what the strip would have looked like in full color, so I added some to this strip years ago as a test.

Dr. Jimmy 45

2010-09-14T08:08:00.002-04:00

There is a reference to Fort Sanders in this strip. Fort Sanders is the neighborhood directly next to the University of Tennessee campus. Many students rent apartments in this area. When I lived in Fort Sanders, roaches were a common complaint among my fellow residents. I was proud of this particular strip because of the double action: Dr. Jimmy and Jack's conversation in the foreground and the newts struggling in the background.

Dr. Jimmy 44

2010-09-13T07:54:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 43

2010-09-08T07:19:00.001-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 42

2010-09-07T07:58:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 41

2010-09-03T07:10:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 40

2010-09-02T06:25:00.002-04:00

There was an interesting bit of editing done to this strip. Originally, in the last panel, I had Dr. Jimmy say that despite "popular" belief, there is no loss of intelligence being black. However, the paper's editor had me change it to "ancient" belief. The point I was trying to make was that there were people out there who still believed the bullshit theory that one race of people is inferior to another. However, the editor thought the word popular was too widespread and reflected an attitude of a racist minority. I saw his point and changed the word, though I didn't realize at the time that the editor hated that there was anything remotely controversial in my strip and that this was the beginning of many confrontations I would have with the editorial staff.

Dr. Jimmy 39

2010-09-01T07:19:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 38

2010-08-31T07:49:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 37

2010-08-26T07:38:00.002-04:00

Talk about ancient history. I have no idea how students change classes these days, but back in the 70s you could drop and add classes through primitive computers manned by college staffers. You gave the staffer your request and they gave you a printout of the request showing whether you got in or not.

First you had to stand in line and wait your turn to drop a class from the schedule you were given. Then you stood in another line to add a class to take the place of the one you dropped. After I got used to the system, I did it all the time. It was exciting because you could for example try to trade a 8AM English class for 1PM English class. But if the class you wanted was full, you were screwed. Sometimes I would just keep going back over and over until a class opened up because there was somebody in those long lines who dropped out of the class I wanted.

Dr. Jimmy 36

2010-08-25T06:32:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 35

2010-08-24T06:40:00.000-04:00

Dr. Jimmy 34

2010-08-23T06:56:00.000-04:00