Jeb Bush: My brother George left behind a big stinking mess. Give me a chance to make it bigger.
Donald Trump: I'm not really a racist asshole. I just play one on TV.
Chris Christie: See what petty bullying can do for you.
Marco Rubio: My baby face will distract you from my old policies.
Ted Cruz: Compared to me, Joe McCarthy was an amateur.
Carly Fiorina: No more baby parts!
Ben Carson: Me and Jesus used to double date.
Rand Paul: Sure I'm crazy but I'm not as crazy as the Republican lunatics I'm running against.
Mike Huckabee: No more Mr. Nice Republican. It's time to let the big dog eat.
Rick Santorum: The white Ben Carson.
Lindsey Graham: Please let me bomb somebody. Anybody.
John Katich: The closest thing to a voice of reason that the Republicans are ever going to get.
George Pataki: Admit, it, it's fun to say Pataki. And that's why you should vote for me.
Jim Gilmore: If I told you I was related to the Gilmore Girls would you vote for me?