Tuesday, May 24, 2011

In Bed

We all know that you can turn any fortune from a fortune cookie into a sexually suggestive phrase by adding the words "in bed" to the end of the fortune. However, I opened a cookie last night and found one that didn't work at all. It read:

You will sleep well at night.

So if you add the words "in bed" you get:

You will sleep well at night in bed.

That's not sexually suggestive at all. It just sounds like a statement of fact. You sleep well in bed as opposed to on the floor. However, the fortune did come true. I slept very well last night. In bed.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Smells Like Chipmunk Ass

I entered the porch and walked right by the dead chipmunk by the door without even noticing it. It was not a complete dead chipmunk. It was only the bottom half, which included the chipmunk’s ass, tail and hind legs.

Biscuit was not so unobservant. He snatched it up with his mouth and ran out into the yard with it. He raced up and down the yard with the chipmunk ass in his mouth. He flung the chipmunk ass into the air and then swatted at it with his front paws. He danced around it, punched it, and did the wiggle butt attack on it. At one point, he flung it in the air and caught it in his mouth and celebrated the catch with another dash around the yard. Basically, he kicked that chipmunk ass’s ass.

As I was watching Biscuit have his way with the chipmunk ass, Alice joined me on the porch. She went directly to where the chipmunk ass had been next to the door and sniffed around. I had suspected that she was the one who had caught the chipmunk and devoured its front end. Alice is the not first cat I’ve had who only ate the head and torso of the chipmunk and left the ass behind. Maybe it tasted like chipmunk shit.

After determining that her chipmunk ass was missing, Alice looked out into the yard and spotted Biscuit attacking her leftovers. She didn’t seem to care and just watched him play. If he wanted the good part, he’d have to catch it himself.

(Photo from Free-Extras)

Friday, May 20, 2011

Oh Rapture!

So the Rapture is tomorrow. And looting starts Sunday.

Or more likely, the excuses start Sunday for why the Rapture didn't come. There have been predictions that proved false (obviously) in the past, so I'm sure the predictors of this latest divine non-event have some good excuses stored up from past experiences.

But the group that should be most worried are the parents who believe in the Saturday Rapture who have kids who don't believe. If the Rapture doesn't come, then what kind of authority will they have over their children? Their kids will have an excuse not to listen to their parents ever again.

The parents say, don't do drugs, it will lead to madness and financial ruin. The kids say right and the Rapture was going to happen on May 21st. How'd that one work out? I think I'll take my chances and roll a joint. Or the parents warn their child that if he keeps doing that, he'll go blind. The kid says, blind enough to believe the Rapture was coming on May 21st? Excuse me, I'm going to my room to abuse myself.

A little part of me wonders if the Rapture really will happen. I believe there are things in the world beyond my understanding. I believe in the possibility of magic, ghosts, aliens, and divine intervention. So why not Rapture? I know if it comes, I won't be invited to join Jesus. But I also know that a lot of people who are convinced they are on the guest list will also not be ascending to the heavens. But they shouldn't be sad about that. They can join us left behinders for the Sunday Looting.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Ward, don't you think you were a bit rough on the beaver last night?

Initial box office returns for the Jodie Foster directed film "The Beaver" starring Mel Gibson indicate that the film is a bomb. Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't help that Foster is playing a vulnerable female when everyone knows she's a shrewd tough lady. Gibson's headline producing anti-semitic rants and alleged spousal abuse don't help much either.

I don't buy the anti-Mel angle. Being anti-semitic was exactly how he made a mint off "The Passion of the Christ." Many popular actors and most of all professional athletes are known for being abusive toward the women in their life and very few lose money or apparently sleep due to feelings of guilt over the matter.

But I always knew what the main problem is, what is basically the elephant in the room that everyone is ignoring. The problem is the fucking title. "The Beaver????" Does anyone who every spent time in the third grade not know that the word beaver is slang for vagina? And on that knowledge, are we to assume that the story is about an alcoholic dick of a man who passes out in a garbage dump and wakes up with a vagina puppet stuck to his hand and then spends the next ninety minutes of the movie fucking himself and everyone around him? Not that that's a bad premise for a movie. I've heard worse.

The makers of this film are treating it like its such an amazing ensemble acting experience with a deep touching story. Oh please. The trailer alone made me cringe. It was sad and over the top and not in a good way at all. They should have run with the title and sold it as a campy vainglorious train wreck. And if they insisted on being serious, use a different animal puppet. Anything that doesn't make us think of hairy female reproductive organs. The raccoon. The possum. The marsupial. Come on. There's a whole forrest out there they're missing because of one animal chewing on a tree. Or was that Mel chewing up the scenery?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Bin Laden is dead

Osama Bin Laden is dead.
Shot in the head.
He was a man who needed to die.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Steaming Heathen

Here is artwork I did when I was a teenager. It's actually quite embarrassing but I felt the need to share. I was into cosmic stuff back then. I'm happy to report its a phase that I outgrew.

I did this one for art class. It's a print from a plexiglass etching.

I occasionally did "cosmic" versions of my friends. This was my girlfriend's best friend, Jessica. I don't know if I ever showed it to her.

Random doodles. I have no recollection of what "RADAD MADNESS" is supposed to be. Maybe I meant radar madness, which doesn't make any more sense.

More random doodling. I rather like how the woman's face turned out.

I was always working on some comic book idea that rarely made it past two or three pages. This one only made it as far as this one page. You can see how Barry Windsor Smith influenced me back then. I love the caption, "The steaming heathen lifted him into the air and hurled him into space." Now that's writing!