Thursday, March 19, 2009

A List

REASONS NOT TO NAME YOUR CHILD “GOD”

Endless arguments over whether God is both a boy and a girl name.

Child might try to create their own commandments concerning bedtime, before meal snacks, etc.

Overwhelming temptation to give him or her the middle name “Damnit.”

If it’s a girl and she grows up to marry a Latino named Jesus, people will think they are both the same person.

He or she will be tempted to shout their own name during sex.

People will always expect him or her to do the impossible.

Confusion over whether he or she is the God or just a God.

Child might grow up to be a bit cocky.

Every time somebody says, “Who do you think you are? God?” He or she will have to answer, “Why yes I am,” which invariably will lead to fisticuffs.

Some day, he or she will start a conversation by saying, “Are you there Margaret? It’s me, God.”

2 comments:

jessica handler said...

Choked on my coffee - in a good way!

I loved the last one particularly.

Another question (and Shalom Auslander brings up a version of this in his memoir) if you're an Orthodox Jew, can you write out your whole name?

Mickey Dubrow said...

I suppose you could spell it G-d, which then leads people to mispronounce your name.

So your name is Geedashdee? Or is it Guuuueeeeed?