Place: Atlanta, GA
I was at a gallery opening, drinking free PBR, and listening to loud rockabilly music with my best friend from college. We were talking about something or other when a woman stormed past us and said, “Get over here, right now!”
She wasn’t talking to us. The man she was angry with was older than her and didn’t look in the mood to hear her shit. My friend and I stopped our conversation to eavesdrop on the couple.
Unfortunately, the music was too loud and there were too many people shouting over the music to hear what the woman was so pissed at the man about. All we heard clearly was what the man said before he walked away from her.
“It’s all in your mind. And your mind is fucked up!” he said.
“You know what?” I said to my friend, “That would make a great bumper sticker.”
Then I got to thinking about all the bumper sticker ideas I’ve had over the years. Most of them are too odd to ever become popular, but here is my list of bumper sticker ideas, starting with the one I overheard:
IT’S ALL IN YOUR MIND.
AND YOUR MIND IS FUCKED UP.
HONK IF YOUR HORN WORKS.
I WAS CURSED BY THE GODS.
WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?
GOD IS MY CO-PILOT.
BUT I DRIVE LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.
JESUS LOVES YOU.
NOT YOU, THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
USUALLY AFTER A LARGE MEAL.
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE.
NOW IN FIVE NEW FLAVORS!
I’LL SHARE THE ROAD
WHEN YOU SHARE THE TRAFFIC LAWS.
BABY MAMA ON BOARD.
USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
DOES NOT MAKE YOU GAY.
MY OTHER CAR COSTS TOO MUCH TO FILL UP.
HOW SMALL DOES MY PENIS HAVE TO BE
TO DRIVE A CAR AS NICE AS YOURS?
YOUR CELLPHONE CALL IS NOT MORE
IMPORTANT THAN MY SAFETY.
HANG UP AND DRIVE.
IF GOD DIDN'T WANT US TO HAVE SEX
WITH STRANGERS, THEN HE WOULDN'T
HAVE INVENTED BEER.
I'LL GET ER DONE WHEN SOMEBODY
TELLS ME WHO ER DONE IS.
USED TO BE, YOU HAD TO HAVE TALENT
TO BE FAMOUS. NOW ALL YOU NEED TO
HAVE IS A BIG ASS.
I couldn't resist adding some Sarah Palin bumper stickers:
McCAIN, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
4 OUT OF 5 POLAR BEARS AGREE.
SARAH PALIN IS A STONE COLD BITCH.