Friday, August 29, 2008

Female Problems

Time: 2007
Place: Atlanta, GA

One of the joys of turning 50 is getting that first colonoscopy. I never realized how many of them are done during colonoscopy day at the hospital. I was put on a colonoscopy assembly line.

I had to fill out a form when I arrived, which made sense. Then, I had to fill out another form on a clipboard after I had changed into my hospital gown and been placed on a gurney. A pleasant Indian woman handed me the form to fill out after she had inserted an IV in my arm.

The second form seemed redundant to me. It was almost identical to the first. However, one question on this form hadn’t been on the form I filled out earlier. It read “Female Problems?” and then there was a line on which to specific which ones I possessed.

On that line, I wrote “Not since I got married.”

The Indian woman took my completed form, checked my IV, and walked away. A few minutes later, she came back with the clipboard. She pointed to my form.

“I am very interested in the answer you wrote for this question,” she said. “I would like some clarification.”

“Oh that,” I said. “You know, just a little joke. A little ha ha.”

“So, were you a problem for females?” she asked. “Or were females a problem for you?”

“A little of both,” I said. “But I’ve had no problems with females since I got married.”

“You’re sure about that?” she asked.

Well, I was definitely having a problem with one at that moment, but I didn’t say that. I didn’t want to piss off the woman who controlled the IV in my arm.

“Well, you have to admit, that ‘female problems’ can seem humorous to a man when he sees it on a questionnaire,” I said.

“I thought what you wrote was humorous,” she said.

“Thank you,” I said.

“And you are sure you are no longer experiencing female problems?” she asked.

“Marriage cleared them right up,” I said.

“Good to hear,” she said.


jessica said...

Your whole colonoscopy day was pretty funny, if you ask me, but then, I'm the "female problem" specified in the story. And yeah, my assembly line day will come, but by then, I can take a pill instead of drinking that gallon of nastiness the night before.

I hope.

Will I get a form reading "male problems??"

Mickey Dubrow said...

If you do get a form reading "male problems" you can write in "ever since I got married."

Sparkle Plenty said...

HA! I frickin' love this. This is such a win-win situation (well, 'cept for the colonoscopy part). You get to tell the anecdote; she gets to tell the anecdote. I betcha you were the talk of the hospital cafeteria that day. "And, he wrote WHAT? HA ha ha ha ha!"

Holy cow! Maybe she has a blog, too, and the anecdote is on there from her perspective.

Mickey Dubrow said...

Oh my God, I would so love it if the Indian lady had a blog. It would probably have a clever title like "Assholes on Parade" or "I. V. love my job."

Anonymous said...

I'm going to be giggling at "Assholes on Parade" all day. I wonder what makes someone go "hey, you know, maybe I should work the colonoscopy assembly line, yeah!"

Thanks for the chuckle!