Thursday, June 26, 2008

The answer to all our questions

If you're like me, you've driven by a church and seen written on the sign outside, "No matter what the question, Jesus is the answer." Or perhaps you've seen it written on a bumper sticker. And if you're like me, you've wondered, "Really? No matter what the question? That would mean any question."

I know I'm not the only one who has tested this statement for its accuracy. Here are some of the situations where I did just that.

I'd love to hear of any other questions that need the Jesus answer test.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Little Known Biblical Fact No. 8

It has recently been discovered that one of Jacob's concubines was an eye witness to his wrestling match with an angel. The concubine provided a detailed description of the angel's physical appearance and the strange words he spoke to Jacob prior to the match. Above is an artist's interpretation of what the concubine saw and heard that amazing night.

Note: the artist was asked to omit one of the angel's proclamations until further study could be done. The omitted statement was: "You win, Imma gonna call ya Israel. You lose, Imma gonna call ya muh bitch!"

Friday, June 6, 2008

Appointment for an ass whoopin'

Time: 1974
Place: Chattanooga, TN

There was this redneck in my high school who decided he wanted to kick my ass. I’m going to call him Chip. Well, Chip was not an imposing figure. He was scrawny and I was taller than him, but he scared the hell out of me. Chip was always getting into fights and most of the guys he fought were black guys who were much larger and more muscular than he was. Chip won all of his fights. I had never been in a fight and even if I wanted to start a career in brawling, I didn’t want my first fight to be with Chip.

I don’t know why Chip decided he wanted to kick my ass. We had never any interaction before the day he told me he wanted to kick my ass. My guess is that Chip was determined to fight every guy in school in alphabetical order, and just happened to get to my name.

I let Chip know that I wasn’t interested in fighting him, but he didn’t care what I wanted. He wanted a fight with me no matter what. He tried taunting me, which only caused confusion.

“You’re a damn nigger lover,” Chip shouted at me one day.

“I’ll love whoever I want,” I responded.

That floored Chip.

“You mean you really do love niggers?” Chip asked.

“I like them better than you,” I explained.

Chip kept up the pressure on me for weeks. I don’t know if he realized how much he terrified me. I was a big guy, but I was coward when it came to violence. I just knew if I fought Chip, he would kill me. I probably could have avoided him until he finally moved onto to the next guy on his list, but we were in the same gym class. He had a chance to pick on me every day.

One day during gym class, I was sitting on the bleachers, waiting my turn to attempt gymnastics, when Chip sat on the bleacher behind me and started kicking my back. Not hard, but enough to be really annoying. I made a snap decision, though I’m not sure what possessed me to respond the way I did.

I spun around and said to Chip, “Do you want to fight?”

Chip smiled. Finally, I had given in.

“Yeah,” Chip said. “I want to fight.”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s a good time for you?”

“What?” Chip asked.

“How does this Saturday sound?” I said. “Are you available?”

I wish I could say that I came up with the idea of scheduling the fight as a delaying tactic, but the truth is, I had no clue what the etiquette for a fight was. I think most people just start throwing punches wherever they happen to be, but when you ask someone if they want to fight, shouldn’t that mean that first you agree on a time and place?

I had floored Chip again. To my surprise, and probably his too, he played along.

“Yeah,” Chip said. “We could fight this Saturday.”

I was trying to come up with a good time and place to have the fight when I remembered that I had a basketball game on Saturday. I played center for the Jewish Community Center’s team. We were in a church league. As I recall, we were playing a Baptist church at six. I was supposed to be at the Jewish Community Center (which we called the JCC) at four for practice. Luckily, the JCC was close to Eastgate Mall, the place where all the teens hung out on Saturday.

“What do say we meet at Eastgate at two?” I said. “We could meet at Games a la Mode.”

Games a la Mode was a combination arcade and ice cream store that was popular with the rednecks.

“I like Games a la Mode,” Chip said.

“Great.” I said. “Two o’clock Saturday at Games a la Mode. See you there.”

For the rest of the week, I worried about what was going to happen to me on Saturday. I imagined trying to get a lucky punch in before Chip pummeled me to death. I worried about him being late and then missing my game. Mainly, I worried about the pain.

I also spent the week going over the schedule. Be at the JCC at 1:30, be at Games a la Mode at 2:00, get my ass beat at 2:30, get back to the JCC by 3:30, practice at 4:00, game at 6:00. Saturday was going to be a busy day.

On Saturday, I got to Games a la Mode at fifteen minutes to two. I expected to find Chip already there, playing pinball or air hockey. Maybe he could beat my ass early and I could be on my way. No such luck. Chip wasn’t there. An hour passed and still no sign of Chip. I had to get going or I was going to miss practice.

I had mixed feelings as I walked back to the JCC. If Chip showed up shortly after I left, I could honestly tell him that I had been there on time, but didn’t see him. I felt good about that. I felt bad knowing that I had to reschedule the fight.

On Monday, I ran into Chip in the hallway between classes.

“Hey man,” I said, “I was at Games a la Mode on Saturday, but I didn’t see you.”

“Saturday? Oh right,” Chip said. “I couldn’t make it. Something came up.”

“That’s cool,” I said. “Maybe we could do it this coming Saturday?”

“Uh, no, I can’t make it then,” Chip said.

“Sure, you just let me know when you want to have the fight,” I said.

“I’m not sure,” Chip said. “I’ll let you know later.”

Chip never did let me know later. He never rescheduled the fight and he never bothered me again.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Loaves and Fishes

Time: 2008
Place: Atlanta, GA

I dreamed I was at a Christian themed restaurant. I don’t remember anything about the food, but when I went to use the bathroom, the door for the men’s room was labeled “loaves” and the door for the women’s room was labeled “fishes.”

I found this odd since I was sure that loaves and fishes should have been on the all you can eat buffet.