Monday, December 29, 2008

Road to inauguration. Vacation Edition

Time to contrast and compare:

Bush on vacation.

Obama on vacation.

Don't you know the White House press corp is looking forward to covering the President's vacations in Honolulu instead of Crawford, Texas.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Road to inauguration. Part 14

Obama tells investigators that he did not have Senate seat selling relations with that Governor.

Meanwhile... everybody hide your face! Cheney's going hunting again!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A message from Mr. Santa T

Mr. Santa T pities the fool who doesn't have a Chappy Chanukah, a Merry Christmas, and a Rockin' New Year!

Road to inauguration. Christmas Special

Santa Obama promises to bring America new jobs and global respect.

Santa Bush gives America the same gift he's given America for the last eight years.

Santa Clinton promises to deliver all his financial information so that Hillary can become Secretary of State.

Santa Cheney says that if you're extra good and stop asking him why he crapped on the Constitution for the last eight years, he promises not to waterboard you.

Road to inauguration. Part 12

Obama informs Bush that it's time for him to stop screwing the world.

Meanwhile...Cheney almost has a moment of compassion...

but it quickly passes.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Road to inauguration. Part 11

Obama keeps his promise to talk to enemy leaders without preconditions by meeting with Godzilla...

and Ed the cat.

Meanwhile...Bush has to return his flight suit to G.I. Joe and loses the deposit for keeping it past the deadline...

and Cheney needs more brains!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Road to inauguration. Part 10

Obama hands his Blackberry over to the Secret Service.

Meanwhile...Cheney tries to assure Bush that they will never be prosecuted for war crimes.

Road to inauguration. Part 9

Obama runs into Sarah Palin but can't remember her name or where he's seen her before.

Meanwhile...Bush Sr. punishes Bush Jr. for being a bad president.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Road to inauguration. Part 8

Obama takes time out from his busy road trip to inauguration to relax and do fun stuff.

Obama plays back up for the Creature from the Black Lagoon and Mick Jagger's duet.

Obama shoots hoops with Mr. T and Spider-man.

Meanwhile....Bush finally locates a WMD.

Road to inauguration. Part 7

Obama introduces his "team of rivals."
(l to r: Wonder Woman, Cheetah, Batman, Joker, Commander Adama, Cylon, Col. Hogan, Col. Klink)

Meanwhile...Bush goes shoe shopping in Baghdad.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Road to inauguration. Part 6

Obama discovers a pothole in his road to inauguration when the world finds out that Governor Blagojevich was trying to sell Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder.

Meanwhile...Bush discovers that if you turn a W upside down, it becomes an M.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Say Goodnight Gracie

A month after she ran away, our cat Gracie was found dead in a nearby yard. The people who lived at the house connected to this yard moved away years ago and no one has lived in it since.

Our neighbor found Gracie’s body. Let’s call our neighbor John.

It was John’s fenced in yard that Gracie originally went into on the day she ran away. We searched John’s yard that day, but couldn’t find her. I even looked under the shed in the yard. I didn’t look inside the shed because it was locked up and I figured there was no way Gracie could get inside.

I now know that Gracie did find a way into the shed and had been in there for at least three weeks. I know this because John told my wife that he had seen Gracie in the shed more than once and kept trying to shoo her away so that she’d go home. Only Gracie didn’t go home.

“She even hissed at me one time,” John told my wife.

What John didn’t explain was why he never told us that our cat was in his shed. He knew we were looking for her and even if he didn’t know what our cat looked like, he knew that the last place we had seen her was in his yard.

John claims he finally chased Gracie out of the shed and down the driveway a week ago. He asked my wife if maybe that was our cat. My wife said yes that was her. John offered to look for Gracie and five minutes later, he found her partially covered body in the yard at the end of the driveway.

I don’t believe John is a malicious man. I don’t think he aided Gracie’s demise on purpose. I believe instead that he is a self-centered man who never thought that maybe he should tell us that our cat was hiding in his shed. I think that Gracie was a problem that he just didn’t want to be bothered with, so he ignored the problem in the hope that it would eventually go away.

I also believe Gracie died in his shed. John found her in the yard too easily. I believe he knew where her body was because he put it there. Also, Gracie’s body was not weathered in any way and she wasn’t decayed.

It breaks my heart to know that Gracie was so close to home. We could have rescued her so easily. Couldn’t she smell us or see us? Why didn’t she come home?

We buried Gracie next to her brother, George in the back yard.

Before my wife called me at work to tell about Gracie, I was at a going away party for one of my fellow employees. I was sitting with a group of women and the subject of cats came up. I told them how Gracie had run away and how I had searched for her every day. I still had hope that Gracie would either find her way home or someone would find her and give her a new home.

One of the women said to me, “All cats go to heaven.” At that moment, I thought it was an odd thing to say, but now I know she was right. Gracie was a weird, annoying, tortured cat, but there were days where she played and sang and purred with joy. All cats go to heaven.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Road to inauguration. Part 5

Obama appoints Dr. Gori as head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Reaction is mixed. On one hand, Dr. Gori is a mad scientist super ape determined to conquer Earth and the arch nemesis of Spectreman in Spectreman's 1970s Japanese live action sci fi series. On the other hand, it is well known that Dr. Gori totally hates pollution. No word yet on whether there will be a place for Dr. Gori's assistant Karras at the EPA.

Meanwhile...Bush travels back in time and proves the theory of Creationism.

Road to inauguration. Part 4

The Obama Dioramas continue.

Obama deflects the wrath of the Catholics angered over the prospect of a Pro-Choice President

Obama attempts to stimulate the global economy.

Meanwhile...Bush is keynote speaker at the American Supervillain Institute's holiday meeting.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Road to inauguration. Part 3

As always, Obama is busy, busy, busy.

Obama gets Bill Clinton to help him choose an intern.

Obama joins the ranks of black superheroes.

Meanwhile...Bush ponders how his presidency might have been different if he had been born a cow.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Road to inauguration continues. Part 2

More adventures for Obama.

Obama unleashes Hillary onto the world at large.

Obama meets with his closest advisors.

Meanwhile...Bush meets with his foreign policy advisors to see if there's time to squeeze in one more invasion before Christmas.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

On the road to the inauguration

Even before he is sworn in as president, Barack Obama has been very busy. There is so much to do and so many adventures to have on the road to inauguration. Meanwhile, lame duck President Bush has been busy himself. Here are but a few of the things that have been occupying their time.

Obama selects a cabinet.

Meanwhile, Bush is having trouble getting out of bed in the morning.

Obama meets with the leaders of the Republican Party.

Meanwhile, Bush contemplates his legacy.

Stay tuned for more of their exciting adventures.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


One of our four cats, Gracie, ran away from home. The weird part is that we watched her do it. On Monday, we took three of the cats to the vet for their yearly checkup. When we got home, I decided on a whim to release the cats from their carriers in the carport rather than inside the house. Ed and Frances are both indoor and outdoor cats, so they sauntered into the back yard and started cleaning the smell of the vet off their fur.

Gracie slipped under our neighbor’s fence into their back yard. J and I watched in amazement. In the past, whenever I let Gracie go in the carport, she ran straight into the house. Gracie was strictly an indoor cat. The furthest outdoors she would venture was our screened in front porch. We couldn’t believe she decided to run away from the house.

“I guess she wants to have an adventure,” J said.

Later, J pointed out that right before Gracie slipped under the neighbor’s fence, she looked back and shot us her best “fuck you” face.

We didn’t worry too much about her going under the fence because our neighbor’s back yard is completely fenced in. We figured Gracie would sniff around for a while and then scurry back home. We thought that maybe her little adventure would do her some good, give her some fresh air, and maybe get her to chill the fuck out.

Thirty minutes later, we began to wonder how long Gracie planned to stay out. We asked our neighbor if we could go into his yard to get our cat. He said sure. It wasn’t a big yard and we searched all of it, but no sign of Gracie. I even shined a flashlight under the shed. We did find where Gracie could have gotten out without us seeing her leave.

I didn’t put up signs for our missing cat because they would be a waste of time. Gracie doesn’t just hide from strangers, she hides from us. She won’t let anyone she doesn’t know get near her. Giving her medicine was near impossible because she’d run and hide if I had anything in my hand she construed might be for her. Nobody was going to see her. She didn’t wear a collar because she never went outside.

Gracie was paranoid and bitchy. She hated J and has been known to pee in J’s shoes. A few months back, she decided she didn’t want to crap in the litter box anymore and instead crapped right next to it. I was the only person she allowed to pet her and only when and how she decided. Gracie was so weird that the vet once prescribed kitty Zoloft for her, only it didn’t work because giving her the medicine made her more crazy than she already was.

Gracie was fourteen years old. I got her and her brother, George, from the Humane Society. George died years ago and after he was gone, we realized how much he kept Gracie’s craziness contained. Gracie had respiratory problems and possible kidney problems. She was a major pain in the ass, but she was our pain in the ass. I feel guilty that it’s been so much easier with the other three cats since she’s been gone. I haven’t given up on her yet. I walk the neighborhood every day on the off chance that I see her hiding under a car or scurrying across the road.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

When Movies Collide

So, I happen to watch "Brokeback Mountain" and "King Kong" back to back and somehow I got them mixed up in my mind and came up with "Brokeback Monster." It could happen. The best line in the movie would be when King Kong turns and says "I wish I could quit you, Godzilla!"

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Memoirist

I did this in honor of J whose memoir is coming out this coming April.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Memories of Halloweens Past

Most years we get so many kids coming to our house on Halloween that we run out of candy. And we always buy a lot of candy. We’ve seen some great costumes, both store bought and handmade. Our favorite handmade costume was done by a young boy who had taken two shirts, folded them in half and buttoned them together so that he had one shirt on the left and the other on the right. He also wore mismatched shoes and socks. Plus he wore a tie.

“What are you supposed to be?” J asked him.

“A hard working man,” he replied.

“Well, this hard working man deserves some candy,” I said.

Another great handmade costume was a boy dressed as laundry. He had cut a hole in a plastic laundry basket and attached it to his waist. He added clothes around him. The best part was that he took an empty laundry detergent box, cut the top off, and used it as his Halloween bag. He was part of a group of kids who were followed by their wine drinking parents.

“He came up with this idea all by himself,” laundry boy’s mother kvelled. “It’s so amazing to see how creative he’s become and it’s so fascinating how he’s becoming his own person.” (Oy, Lady, he’s a basket of laundry. Don’t get carried away.)

The strangest store bought costume we saw this year was the orange prison uniform that came with handcuffs. We counted four, which meant there were probably many more. What made this odd for us was the fact that there is a maximum security Federal Penitentiary about a mile away from our house.

Besides fun costumes, the kids always have something interesting to say. Here are the few I remember:

“It was pleasure to meet you.” (I see somebody was taught some manners.)

“Do you own a dog?” When I replied that I didn’t own a dog and why did he ask, the little masked murderer said, “You seem like the kind of people who would own a dog.”

“I don’t like these,” the pintsized Power Ranger said, holding up the mini Milky Way bar I had tossed in his bag. “Give me something else.”

“I’m not JUST a princess, I’m a Voodoo Princess,” said the girl in the clown wig.

“Can I have some candy for my little brother? He couldn’t make it up the stairs. Why do you have so many stairs?” (A legitimate question since we do have a very steep stairway and many kids are out of breath by the time they reach our porch.)

“You know who invented Halloween? The Devil!” (The hell you say. Perhaps I shouldn’t corrupt you by giving you candy.)

“I’m afraid of cats. Can I see your cat?”

We’ve had the opportunity to watch many of the same kids come year after year. The one child we always notice, for obvious reasons, is the boy with no arms. He is Hispanic and he has fingers at the edges of his shoulders. He always wears a muscle shirt and has his bag attached to a string around his neck. He is probably around fourteen by now. He used to be shy, but has grown more self-assured every year. It’s sad that he lives his Halloween costume year round. Usually he arrives with a group of Hispanic kids, possibly fellow family members, but this year he came with a black boy his age who was dressed as a funky clown. In the unconscious manner of kids, the funky clown turned to the no arm boy and said, “Man are my arms tired!”