Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Mommy, make me a sandwich.

What is it about men who can’t make themselves a sandwich? They claim they could do it, but their wife or girlfriend makes it so much better than they could. Let’s be honest, these men are either too lazy or were too spoiled by their mommies to make the damn sandwich themselves. Instead of trying to sound all macho and say, “Bitch, make me a sandwich,” what they really should say is, “Mommy, make me ah sandwich. I’m hongry.” How hard is it to make a sandwich? Two slices of bread, slap some condiments on the bread, put some sandwich meat in between the slices of bread, maybe add some tomato and lettuce, and you have a fucking sandwich. You don’t have to be Anthony Bourdain to figure it out. My mother made me sandwiches when I was a child. I wasn’t fussy about the sandwiches. I didn’t even need her to cut the crust off the bread. As soon as I figured out how to make my own, she no longer made my sandwiches. I could take care of myself. I wasn’t a fucking baby. Plus, I could decide exactly how I wanted the fucking sandwich. When I lived alone I learned to cook. It’s something grown-ups do. They learn to feed themselves with something other than pizza and cereal. If a man is too childish to prepare real food, then he should only be allowed to order chicken strips when he goes out to dinner. A steak would be too much for that little man boy to handle. Now let’s cover the really creepy part. If a man is asking his wife or girlfriend to take care of him like his mommy did, then he’s asking the woman he sticks his dick into to be his mommy. Does he really want to fuck his mommy? When his mommy made him sandwiches on demand as a child, did he get a little boy boner watching her prepare the sandwich? I know some mommies insist on babying their boys and making the sandwich is a show of love, and that’s fine to let her continue to baby them when they come to visit her, but outside of her kitchen, the man has to be a fucking grown-up man and make his own damn sandwich.

Friday, June 3, 2016


I've had sex with a number of women who were feminists. I'm not talking those women who are feminists in name only. These were tough, outspoken women. They demanded equality. They spoke out against rape. They supported abortion rights. They were feminists. And I had sex with them. If the tired old myth that feminists hate men were true, then these feminists had an odd way of showing it. If the fact that they occasionally got on top was supposed to mean they were dominating me, then dominate me, baby. Years ago, a friend gave me a T-shirt that said "A Man of Quality is not afraid of a Woman for Equality." I wore the shirt until it was a rag. I don't think giving a woman equal rights and equal pay is bad for men. I am not afraid of competing against them in the work place. I have faith in my talent and drive. I also have faith in the talent and drive of female co-workers. I don't have a problem working with a female supervisor. I believe there are some women who hate men. They are not feminists. Nor are they lesbians. They're most likely women who were abused by men. Feminists include mothers, wives, girlfriends, sisters, and friends. We should pay them equally. Seriously. We can start with the ones I have sex with.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

3D T-shirts

Who the hell decided that THIS was a good idea? 3D T-shirts are an interesting innovation, but so far I haven't seen one that I would want to wear or one that doesn't creep my shit out. I've seen some with exposed breasts, but I'm sure its only a matter of time before naked torsos are the most popular 3D T-shirts with huge 3D breasts sticking out at you and amazing 3D six packs. But for now we have creepy skinless cats staring at us with an expression that seems to say, "How the hell did I get on this fucking T-shirt?"

Friday, January 22, 2016

Kim Jones was right about something.

Kim Jones, the Kentucky clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same sex couple (and as a result defied the law) because it was against her religious beliefs attended President Obama’s last State of the Union Address. It was a curious thing to see her there. Afterwards, it was discovered that an Ohio congressman invited her without realizing that he invited her.

I’m sure the staff member who works for the congressman invited Ms. Jones as a way to remind Obama and a majority of the Supreme Court how much the country hates them for supporting equal rights to all citizens no matter what their sexual orientation when every Christian knows that gay people aren’t REAL people.

Considering all the snide ways the Republicans have shown contempt for the president (and by extension the majority of the country that elected him twice), inviting Ms. Jones was hardly a surprise. In essence, they’re saying this is what a real patriot looks like- someone who prays and votes with the righteous white people to whom God gave this wonderful country to and is willing to defy any law they don’t like.

What surprised me is that Ms. Jones accepted the invitation. My guess is she too thought she was sticking it to the president with her presence, but probably after a few minutes into address, she realized what a mistake she’d made. She had to sit through President Obama’s entire State of the Union address where he basically gets to tell everybody what he thinks of them and how he feels things should work in this country. If you truly hate Obama, why subject yourself to that kind of torture if you’re not required to be there?

During the speech, the camera occasionally landed on her and each time she looked like she was suffering from a terrible indigestion. Some people made fun of what she wore, but I think that’s a cheap shot. Other than the Supreme Court justices and the Joint Chief of Staff, I don’t think there was a dress code.

After the speech, news reporters stuck their microphones into her face and asked her for her reaction to Obama’s State of the Union address. The reporters dramatically pointed out that she spoke only four words and they were not “I love big butts.” What she said was “It was a speech.”

“It was a speech.”

What no one has mentioned is that she was indeed correct. The State of the Union address is essentially a speech. By definition, if you make a speech or give a talk, you speak for a period of time to an audience, usually saying things which you have prepared in advance.

She might have said, “It was a duck.” That would have been wrong. There was no water fowl present. She could have said, “It was a poop.” That could be construed as criticism or another failed attempt to define what she witnessed during the President’s speech. Or what she left in her seat. This is just conjecture since she didn’t actually say it was a poop.

The point is, what Ms. Jones said was correct and though I might not agree with any other collection of words she has uttered, I have to agree with her on these four words. It was a speech. It was damn fine speech from a great president.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

My impression of the Republican candidates

Jeb Bush: My brother George left behind a big stinking mess. Give me a chance to make it bigger.

Donald Trump: I'm not really a racist asshole. I just play one on TV.

Chris Christie: See what petty bullying can do for you.

Marco Rubio: My baby face will distract you from my old policies.

Ted Cruz: Compared to me, Joe McCarthy was an amateur.

Carly Fiorina:  No more baby parts!

Ben Carson: Me and Jesus used to double date.

Rand Paul: Sure I'm crazy but I'm not as crazy as the Republican lunatics I'm running against.

Mike Huckabee: No more Mr. Nice Republican. It's time to let the big dog eat.

Rick Santorum: The white Ben Carson.

Lindsey Graham: Please let me bomb somebody. Anybody.

John Katich: The closest thing to a voice of reason that the Republicans are ever going to get.

George Pataki: Admit, it, it's fun to say Pataki. And that's why you should vote for me.

Jim Gilmore: If I told you I was related to the Gilmore Girls would you vote for me?

So you hate Obama

That’s okay. I hated George Bush. In fact, I still hate George Bush just as I suspect you’ll continue hating Obama years after he’s been out of office. I hate George Bush for stealing the election. Don’t come up with those lame excuses. The Supreme Court stole the election for George Bush. I hate George Bush for trying to steal Social Security. I hate George Bush for lying to get the country to go to war with Iraq. I hate George Bush for being such a fucking wimp; he let Dick Cheney do whatever the fuck his mechanical heart wished to do. I hate George Bush for saying that the thing that hurts the most from when he was president was when Kanye said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” So having an entertainer hurt his precious feelings was more painful than 9-11, Katrina, the Iraq War, and the war in Afghanistan?  God that makes me hate him even more. I hate him for acting tough rather than being tough. If he was so tough then why didn’t he screen people who came to his town hall meetings to make sure there were only people there who supported him? He was too much of a pussy to face the public. He was too much of a pussy to handle Helen Thomas. Oh and back to Kanye’s statement about Bush not caring about black people. Kanye was wrong. George Bush didn’t care about anybody who didn’t vote for him. He never tried to be the president for all the people, just those who kissed his little white ass. He was a smug, arrogant little man trying to be a big man and failed miserably. He was an embarrassment. I hate him. But then you hate Obama because he made sure I can get insurance. You hate Obama because he covered up Benghazi when he didn’t. You hate Obama for taking the stinking pile of shit George Bush left him and cleaning most of it up. I admit Obama hasn’t cleaned up all of Bush’s leftover crap, there’s just too much of it. So go ahead, hate Obama. You will never hate him as much as I hate Bush and the Republican party that breeds men like him.